Reply to S/o meeting the ex-wife: what are the girlfriends thinking?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is my friend at 37.  Spent most of her 20s with a jerk and then worked on herself.  Now at her age, the amount of single and childless kids who are good catches is small.  She also likes kids but doesn't particularly want to have a baby in her late 30s so is fine if he has kids.   Her  soon to be husband is divorced with a 5 and 8 year old.   There really is no drama.  They all attend kids events without issues.   My friend was also mature enough that she was fine with the whole "kids come first" part of the relationship.  [/quote]

If everyone is emotionally stable, combined with a new wife that is willing to put the kids first AND doesn't want kids of her own, can work. [/quote]

That's the thing - if someone doesn't want kids, they definitely don't want stepkids.  At least if you have your own kids, they might love you back and appreciate the sacrifices you make for them.  More often than not, you can't win with stepkids - there's literally no upside.  [/quote]

I don’t think this is universally the case. One of my friends missed the window, didn’t want kids with her previous partners for various reasons, but is absolutely overjoyed with being a stepmother to her bonus children. My SIL is also similar - my bother had my niece but but by the time they met and got settled neither was super attracted to going through the baby phase and the like. She is an absolutely incredible “bonus mother” and you’d never realize if you saw her with me niece that’s she’s not actually her mother. ExSIL often makes things difficult, but she rolls with it and she, my brother and niece are a completely stable and healthy family during their time together.

It doesn’t all have to be drama when there’s grownups in the room. [/quote]

I'm the PP and agree - it's why I said, "more often than not".  I certainly don't want my daughter to date a divorced man with kids, but I recognize it works out occasionally, with Kamala Harris being the most notable example that comes to mind. [/quote]

Kamala Harris was 49 years old when she married Doug Emhoff. When Harris and Emhoff married, Emhoff's children from his previous marriage were about 20 and 15.   At their marriage, Harris was established as California's Attorney General, which likely meant she had both financial independence and significant professional responsibilities that left her little time for Emhoff.  And being 49 when she married, Harris was beyond typical childbearing years, which probably eliminated potential tension around having biological children together.  Also, Doug’s ex Kerstin maintained a friendly relationship with both Doug and Kamala - Kerstin has even spoken warmly about Harris as a stepmother on several occasions, suggesting she isn't someone who would create unnecessary drama in their relationship.  So, the kind of exception that would warrant a single woman marrying a divorced dad with kids should include factors like (1) the woman is beyond her childbearing years, (2) the stepkids are in college or close to college age, (3) the woman has her own career or hobbies that keep her busy,  (4) the ex-wife is reasonable and welcoming of the new wife, and (5) the husband is successful and not relying on his new wife’s resources to meet his financial or other obligations to his children.  [/quote]

Didn’t he bang the nanny when he was married to his first wife? She was probably glad to be rid of him. [/quote]

Yes, I'm not sure why anyone would marry someone with that kind of character. Goes to show the dating pool is really shallow once you are in your 40s, despite being attractive with a good career.[/quote]

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