Reply to Overnight in-home care so the rest of the family can sleep at night?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).[/quote]

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.  [/quote]

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most. 
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But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming?  It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that.  It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there.  Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

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Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally. [/quote]

Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month.  For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.

Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well [/quote]

Also in many other countries (most of Asia), hiring 24/7 help of 1-2 aides for round the clock care (who live with you) is dirt cheap relatively speaking.  So for equivalent of $4-5K/year you can get that in India with actual nurses, and dedicated care givers.

In the USA, it is more affordable to be in a facility
 [/quote]

+1 and thank you for making that point. I'm a little sick of these "why do Americans not keep their elders in their homes the way WE do in Asia" posts. I've lived in Asia, and for professional families, there is a substantially more robust culture of hiring help. There's help for the cooking, help for the kids, help for the outdoor work, and help for the elders. It's a doubled-edged sword, of course, given what happens to the elders of the folks who are providing the care. [/quote]

Exactly!  My Indian IL had tons of help, for very cheap.  we had 2 round the clock care with nurses for 3+ years for them.  They lived there and became part of the family.  MIL passed, kept the care and brought FIL to the USA and brought the nurses with them!  And yes, there were also a full time cook and 2 house cleaners, a driver, etc.  6-7 paid helpers that worked when you needed them and the nurses were 24/7 and lived there.  All of that for about $20K/year US.  There is cheap help for everything if you are even MC in India (and most SE Asian countries).  We were not paying $35/hour for care.

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This. Also, it's a little ironic these posters guilt trip those Americans when basically staff are being taken advantage of in these other countries. They are underpaid and overworked and have few if any protections from exploitation. That's hardly an ideal to strive for. There comes a time where Memory Care here in the uS is truly the best and most humane option and it's much easier to visit and be your best self so you can keep your loved one calm and at ease rather than being exhausted, burned out and resentful which just sets off the anxiety of the elder.[/quote]

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