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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your mom is probably like the 11:56 poster who truly thinks they can do no wrong and their spouse is just one giant constant f*ck up. That is the view of a lot of abusers and how they justify their abuse. They have a well if they just did things how I told them or did them the right way then I wouldn't need to yell or hit or abuse them but they deserve it because they aren't doing what I want, how I want, when I want.

Most abusers justify their abuse just like 11:56. It is always someone else's fault and it is deserved. Her example is pretty standard. Her husband deserved it because he is a useless f*ck up who didn't do what she wanted how she wanted. Same reason men use for abusing women. She deserved it because she is a useless f*ck up who didn't do what I wanted how I wanted.

People don't see it in themselves as they truly think their spouse deserves the abuse (just like 11:56).[/quote]

NP. Puh-lease. While I agree Kate likely has a personality disorder and is F'd up, what 11:56 describes is nothing like that.

As a survivor of long term childhood DV, I committed to never treating others as I had been treated. I did a lot of work getting to a healthy place before meeting my DH - who was diagnosed with ADHD after our oldest DC was.

I can completely relate to 11:56. I could have written her post. Her response was not abusive - unless you call every expression of annoyance/frustration with your partner abusive. You try walking in our shoes and see how well your emotional regulation remains unthreatened.[/quote]

So you are saying that if my husband becomes resentful because he doesn’t believe I meet his expectations and I don’t complete his task lists like he wants then he is justified in being verbally and emotionally abusive and yelling at me?

I think your childhood trauma has skewed your view. There is never a need to yell and name call and verbally abuse your spouse because they disappointed you. Many people have resentment in life and in their marriages and feeling that provides justification to be abusive is a very unhealthy view.

You might feel it is fine to tell and get angry and nasty to your spouse and for your spouse to also treat you that way and that is justified by personal emotion - a therapist can help you see that isn’t healthy and is abuse. All abusers justify their behaviour - the fact you can justify it in your own head doesn’t make it right. You also shouldnt hit someone or be hit because they frustrate you and you feel resentment…in case you feel that is also an acceptable way to express frustration[/quote]

You think snapping at someone when overwhelmed from the unrelenting burden of carrying the mental load is verbally and emotionally abusive?

Given your and other posters criteria, seems like everyone is an abuser. [/quote]
I think that snapping at someone is an indication that you aren't coping well with life.[/quote]

Ya think?[/quote]
So you agree it is not justified to yell at someone?[/quote]
 Who justified it? You are completely missing the point of what people are saying. [/quote]

Most people have. The OPs point was about her mother's behaviour which turned into many posts about how its her dads fault that mom berates him and shouts at him because of the dynamic. And then many posters went on to say how they take out their frustration on their husbands and yell at him but that is his fault, not theirs. That it is justified to yell and shout and berate your spouse if you are doing it because of something they did or didn't do that frustrated you - then any aggressive or abusive action you take is on them, not on you. And if they bring it on themselves then it shouldn't be called abuse. Most of this thread is women justifying why they can be as nasty as they want to their husbands because he deserves it.[/quote]

Ok. I guess women need to be more stoic and graceful about feeling at the end of their rope lest their husbands hear loud noises.[/quote]

An adult who is overwhelmed should be able to regulate and manage their emotions and communicate without being abusive. Neither men or women should abuse their spouses when they become overwhelmed. It isn't a complicated thing. If you aren't able to regulate or manage your emotions then your kids are also at risk of being abused and you justifying it as they deserved it. If you can't cope with your emotions without yelling, shouting, berating, hitting, throwing things...you need to get professioal help. I don't think men or women or children need to put up with an abusive spouse or parent who feels justified in that abuse and feels their spouse / child deserved it.[/quote]

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