Reply to Undergoing IVF in a Rocky Marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Go for the baby and get rid of the husband. After a few weeks, you will begin to realize how miserable you were. [/quote]

At your age this is what I’d do.

Have the baby. Divorce the DH if he continues to be miserable. Only downside is custody. You won’t have the baby 100% of the time if he wants to be involved. [/quote]

NP. FINALLY someone on this thread acknowledges that the DH (or ex-DH) would continue to be part of the OP's life if she has his child.

FFS. The PPs here who keep blathering "Just have a baby! This may be your last biological chance!" etc. are nuts.

As is this PP above, because despite actually understanding that the DH would still have some custody, still does not get the larger picture.

Custody: If OP has a child with this man, whether they stay together or divorce, he will definitely get some custody. Probably 50/50 which is the norm, so she "won't have the baby 100 percent of the time" --in reality she wlll have the baby only half the time if she's lucky, and if she's unlucky and he wants to fight her for more? There'll be plenty of legal bills for her, and the drama and trauma around a custody fight. If he remarries and they decide they want primary custody, they might get it--I saw it happen to a friend, when a family court decided that remarried dad was a better "family unit" for the child because, well, he had a spouse now, and mom was single. (Yes, this does actually happen, even now.)

Influence: Why are people advising OP to have a child with a man she says is negative, pettily vindictive, and crushes her feelings, and does not want her to show or share emotions? He does not give her a soft place to land and he does not let her express herself. He will do the same to their child. Even if he only sees the child half of the time after a divorce, he will still be an influence on the child's personality, values and behaviors. OP needs to realize: If he tells HER to shut up and stow her feelings, he'll do the same with a child, who will then grow up thinking that it's normal for parents to reject you if you show emotion. And OP will be oh so shocked when she realizes her kid has learned to feel contempt for and fear of emotions.

I hope OP, whose post was months ago now, did not go ahead with the IVF and has left him. Better a single parent by choice than blithely going ahead with pregnancy with a man you're likely to leave. She'd be tying herself to him for the next 18 years [i]at least.[/i] Those of you saying to go for it despite the crappy marriage are incredibly naive. [/quote]

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