Reply to How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm the pp who said it is part of my ADHD.

I have a very active and constantly changing job so it kind of works well for me.  I also have lists at work.  I think I also put a lot of my brain power into work, so when I'm home it tends to shut off more.

As for the ADHD thing part, it is definitely procrastination and not a resistance to being told what to do.  Like I said, DH has brought it up before and I have made a big effort to change.  I really wish I could say why my brain does what it does.  For instance, I could vacuum the living room and my brain would say  "just leave the vacuum there, you can get it later" and then I'll go off and do something else.  I have to stop and say "no, put it away now".

Another example happened recently.  I was reorganizing our bathroom and getting rid of towels.  I was about halfway through reorganizing when I looked at the area I store my make up and said "hmm...I should really go through my make up".  So I stopped the towels and started going through my makeup.  As I went through my makeup, I realized my makeup brushes needed to be cleaned.  So I stopped going through my makeup and cleaned my brushes.  Which led to me noticing that the counter tops were messy.  So I put the make up brushes down and started cleaning the countertop.  I had to process in my brain after "Ok, finish the brushes.  Then put away the make up.  Then finish the towels."  Otherwise I would have just walked out of the bathroom with it being half done and remembered it hours early.  Also hence why I have lists.

I wish I had a good answer for how to help your husband.  I changed because I know it bothered DH and I don't want to do things that upset him. [/quote]

I don't quite get this. I have never been diagnosed with ADHD but I do stuff like you-- get started with a task and then distracted by something else and distracted again. But also like you, I then notice I left a task unfinished and go back and finish it. Even if not right away -- usually before it becomes an issue. It might take me two days to organize the bathroom but it gets done and I'll say to my DH "I know the bathroom is a mess tonight, I'm sorry-- it was more than I expected and I'll have to finish tomorrow." DH is fine with it. He would never choose to organize the bathroom at all so he's not going to complain about one extra day if it being messy mid-organization.

But that's not what OP is talking about. She's talking about someone who dies part of a task, decides "well that's good," and then leaves it half done indefinitely even when it becomes very inconvenient or even burdensome for OP.

Even if the underlying behavior of getting distracted and struggling to finish tasks is ADHD (in which case maybe I have ADHD), the real issue is that second part where he just does not care enough about his partner to go back and finish it or put it away or even put it back how it was. He just leaves it for her to deal with.

That part isn't ADHD. It's selfishness, or some more severe neurodivergence that shows up as selfishness. And that's why people get annoyed on here when ADHD is used as some kind of all-purpose excuse for men who do not pull their weight at home. At some point when a grown adult is doing this stuff and making no effort to address it out if kindness and respect for their partner, it's not about "my brain just works different." It's "oh I just don't care about you."[/quote]

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