Reply to managing negative emotions about grieving relatives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child,  and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

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She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event. [/quote]

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.[/quote]

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.  [/quote]

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.[/quote]

Ah yes.  Talking about the trainwreck sister.  The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize.   The "I told you so" surrounding the death.  Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister.   Yes, lots of grieving there b[/quote]

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.[/quote]

So weird.  None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this [/quote]

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.[/quote]

You're right, grief often presents as anger.  It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post.  Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this?  This is not a stage of grief.  This is the opposite of grief work.  It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief.  No, sorry.  There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away.  On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents.  But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship.  Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death.  That person is gone.  Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter.  That old person died too when her child died.[/quote]

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.[/quote]

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?[/quote]

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