Reply to How do you marry these people?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "How do you marry these people?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Many of us get married in our 20s and 30s when we have yet to face the true hardships of life (kids, health issues, death, elder care, financial realities). Many people can hold it together and appear extremely well adjusted when the only thing they have to do in life is hold down a job, and pay the rent and do life tasks for one person.

I married someone who seemed extremely with it. Well kept apartment, good job he was satisfied with, even keeled emotionally, intelligent and sociable. [b]Turns out he has zero distress tolerance[/b], cannot process any negative emotions (everything needs to be good all the time, there literally can’t be any problems), has great need to control everything so no “problems” emerge, and an utmost need to convey perfection to the outside world.

NONE of this was apparent when dating, probably because we didnt have any major life problems at the time and dating mostly consisted of doing fun things together. When we moved in together, there were some pink flags, but those pink flags meant instead of our relationship feeling 100% solid it felt 98% solid, and the 2% felt workable, and also why would I throw out a great relationship for 2% imperfection? (And friends I confided in were also like yeah that all doesn’t sound like a big deal, just something to work through).

By the time the red flags were flapping in the wind I was trapped in an abusive relationship and too afraid to share my situation with people because my husband was so beloved in our friend circle and I thought people wouldn’t believe me.

Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to realistically avoid relationships like this. When the pink flags emerge, I don’t think there’s always a way to know when these are just the normal imperfections everyone has that have to be dealt with and worked through in a relationship or the tip of the iceberg of dysfunctional behavior that will escalate over time.

I think what you teach young people is that anyone can find themselves in one of these relationships, it is not a moral failing, and the best thing you can do for yourself is once the flags turn red, trust your gut and get out and confide in friends. The strength is not in avoiding these relationships, but being able to get out once you find yourself in one.[/quote]

This is basically it. Under stress people run on autopilot using coping patterns they learned in early childhood. You don't really know someone until you see how they handle stress. You can get a decent idea though if you pay close attention. [b]Little chance your low distress tolerance DH was not ridgid/inflexible before marriage, you just did not give enough weight to the little things[/b]. [/quote]

Or maybe by then she loved him?  And gave him the benefit of the doubt BECAUSE she loved him?  I know very few women on this board are capable of loving another person but some of us are saddled with this affliction and we have to deal with it.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics