Reply to Broken Marriage, Different Places on Where to Go

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[quote=Anonymous]So I have a child with profound special needs, and I’m happily married (we did have one rough 18 months period years ago that was completely tied to caregiving). I’m the wife, but I think all this nonsense of “you’re the man so you just don’t want to caregive by yourself” is not fair at all. Of course, that is my view without all the facts. I also have a kid that would be so difficult to deal with without two humans sharing the load daily plus another kid who deserves time. The idea of not staying married in this scenario is pretty untenable to me as well.

That said, I’m going to come at this from another angle to start. First, are you using every resource available for this kid? I’m going to assume you are well educated on the Medicaid waivers available to you, but you are stuck on a horrendous waitlist (as we are). That said, once your child is 18, they should go on Medicaid because they have no income. At that point, your ability to get all kinds of help (including respite) should increase. I realize there is still the problem of not enough people wanting to do these jobs, but you should be able to find some help. You can also start looking at intermediate care facilities to place your child in (assuming that is the level of care you need based on what you have said) That can take time, but let’s assume you can solve for that by age 22 when they age out of the school system.

You need to start thinking about this as a problem until age 22 and you will divorce then. There is no way you can be roommates until this kid is 40 or so and then hope the sibling steps in (and I strongly disagree that there should be any expectations on siblings other than some minimal oversight). This has to be a time bound situation so start thinking of it that way.

That said, it seems like your actual issue is that you just want your wife to leave you alone as much as possible other than your joint interest of caregiving for two kids. And you simply cannot control this. If you won’t divorce, then you have to try to gracefully exit the room or house when she decides she wants to tell you about her bad day, etc. You have to literally leave to create the boundary. She may hate this so much that she files for divorce, but you just have to wait and see.[/quote]

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