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[quote=Anonymous]I think there’s a lot of gray area in caretaking. We are going through this stage with DH’s mom and it’s very complicated because we live far away and she has no family close by (other son also lives far away). It has been stressful and certainly makes it so in the future we’d like to live near our children not so that they’d be physical care takers but to help with financial decisions, to visit us and check in on us at a nursing home, etc.

I know a lot of you are saying you’d move before the time comes to not be a burden. But my MIL slowly is becoming more cognitively impaired. She did some right things like she moved to a 55+ community that’s all one level when her home got too much to manage. Then she fell a couple of times. So we got her a home health aide. But she got PE and pneumonia so she went to rehab for a month. Now they are recommending assisted living but the big thing about assisted living is that you can be rejected depending on number of services you need and things like insulin injection alone count as more than one service (even though it’s just one shot). It doesn’t take much to be rejected. So she’s been rejected from assisted living, because she requires too much care. But a nursing home level of care is also not what she needs right now.  Nursing homes are notoriously bad in terms of outcomes—just look at the data. It’s why there’s lots of programs to help seniors age in place. Her other option is home health aide—but once you get to 8-12 hours a day every day it gets expensive.

As I mentioned this takes a ton of coordination and oversight from us even though we are not there—I hope my children (male or female) are able to help us in the same way in the future but know it’s not a guarantee. It has made me worry about all our friends that don’t have kids—I know they say their money will take care of them but I am more worried about the advocacy needed and the oversight to prevent abusive and predatory situations. And like a PP nurse said, my husband and I have taken a good look at our advanced directives. We do way too much to prolong life in the end.[/quote]

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