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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DD is 23.  Most of her friends have been raped.  She herself has been assaulted twice, forced to have sex by someone she was alone with willingly.  Both times she was drunk.

What has your young adult's experience been?

[/quote]

DD 23 - Many of her friends with similar experiences. DD is supportive of them, but also shared this info. DD was thinking about going on a date with a guy in one of her classes senior year. Her roommate told her that someone she knew had ‘hooked up’ with him freshmen year. DD reached out to her to get some intel and see if she was okay with DD going out with him (they weren’t close friends but knew one another thru roommate). The girl said yes - told her it was just a drunk hookup, one time, several years prior and he/she never actually dated. DD and the guy hit it off and became serious. After a couple months the roommate’s friend told DD that she was uncomfortable being around DD because she was with the BF and he had raped her freshmen year. She said she was thinking about going to file a title IX complaint.

DD asked her why she didn’t share that info when DD had asked her about the guy prior to dating him. Instead she had urged DD to respond to the guy’s texts and encouraged DD to go out with him. The girl told DD she hadn’t thought about it for several years but when DD asked her about him, it made her re-analyze what had happened and now she felt it had been non-consensual sex.

DD felt horrible. The BF felt even worse. He talked through his recollection of that evening with DD when she shared this new info with him and was trying to figure out what could’ve led to her feeling that it had been non-consensual.

DD says if a girl says it’s rape then it’s rape. But she also doesn’t believe that her BF is a rapist. I don’t understand how both statements can be true.[/quote]

I think there are a lot of older women who, upon re-evaluating their previous experiences, are able to identify experiences that were not truly consensual. Situations where 18/19yo have a confusing sexual encounter are really common. It's entirely possible that your daughter's BF made another young woman feel really uncomfortable several years ago. False allegations are nowhere near as common as apologists like to make it seem.[/quote]

I am in no way suggesting that false allegations are the norm. I experienced what was then called ‘date rape’ while in college. I very clearly said ‘no’ multiple times, he proceeded to ignore me and was physically stronger. I knew it was not consensual in the moment and so did he. There was no confusion/mixed messages. I told my roommates about it. I felt embarassed, powerless and ashamed. Did not report it. If anyone asked me about the guy I told them to stay away from him. My roommates did the same.

DD was ‘date raped’ her freshmen year in a similar situation as my own. I was devastated. I’d given her advice before she left for college (don’t go upstairs at a Frat, don’t go home from a party with a guy, don’t let friend go home drunk w/a guy from a party, don’t walk home alone, etc.) Based on the OP’s daugter’s experience, my own DD’s and my own it seems that sexual assault is like 100%. I have a younger DD who recently left for college. I asked DD to tell me what I should say to her - my advice to DD obviously didn’t prevent her from experiencing the same thing that happened to me. [b]DD said that my advice made her feel weak/vulnerable and seemed outdated. But she acknowledged that it would’ve prevented her situation from happening. She said she wished she’d known that most freshmen boys are just as sexually inexperienced/unaccustomed to excessive drinking as she was. They just faked it better. That ‘No’ is all you need to say. You don’t owe him an explanation. If you don’t feel comfortable, say it. If he doesn’t listen, MAKE him listen. Don’t feel guilty/embarassed/bad about hurting his feelings. [/b]

FWIW DD and the BF are still together. I am struggling trying to reconcile all of this. Does this make us both apologists?[/quote]

This! Your dd really captured what I was rambling about in my last post. I really hope everyone on this thread reads that and takes it to heart - and that those with sons pass on that advice as well! [/quote]

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