Reply to If I wait to tell my parents about my DD's possible diagnosis until after formal diagnosis will it blow up in my face

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If your mother has a background working with youbg kids, she probably already suspects your DD is autistic.

I have no background but have 3 kids. You can usually tell when a kid’s behavior is abnormal. Often those kids get diagnosed with autism or ADHD. Some parents are very open about the process and diagnosis. Others seem to not want to disclose and it is more MYOB.[/quote]

Eh it's possible she has changed her mind since she last said she didn't think DD was on the spectrum. But her background is working with younger children with moderate and severe developmental delays. On the surface DD seems pretty on track developmentally. I don't think my mother has much if any experience with diagnosed ASD level 1, though I imagine she probably worked with kids who would today be or were later diagnosed. Frankly it is possible my brother and/or I might be on the spectrum, but it would never have been diagnosed when we were kids.

I think mostly it will be a shock to her and she won't understand what it means in the context of her experience. And she will demand that I be the person who helps her understand and also will try to direct how I interact with providers. Obviously I won't just do what she says, but it can be stressful to figure out how to respond. I appreciate the advice on this thread.[/quote]

you actually aren’t obligated to tell her at all, even after the diagnosis. it sounds like telling her will not have any benefit for you or dd. if you don’t tell her, you can focus on managing your own anxiety (im sure you have some as any parent would in this circumstance) and supporting dd. if you do tell her, your focus shifts from yourself and your daughter to managing your mothers anxiety (seems like this has been a long term pattern for you). it won’t be helpful for you or dd or your mom, and likely your mom will resist/deny the diagnosis anyways. you can share strategies that are helpful for your daughter as they are appropriate without sharing the diagnosis. just say her pediatrician / her teacher / etc recommended why try xyz strategy and let your mom write it off as new generation advice.

you can tell your mom some day when you feel emotionally / mentally prepared to help her manage her anxiety around it, or you can wait until dd is old enough to decide whether to share that info herself, or you can never tell her. if it becomes more obvious down the line, you can tell her then. yes she will have a lot of anxiety about it and she will be upset you didn’t tell her sooner, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or anything hurtful to your mom. it is not your obligation to tell her things nor is it your obligation to anticipate and manage her anxiety for her.

i say this all with love and compassion, as someone with anxious family members who often needs this reminder! if you’ve been dealing with her anxiety as if it’s your problem for your whole life, it’s incredibly freeing to realize that you actually don’t have to take that role on (and never should have!)[/quote]

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