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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So I’m the OP and thought readers would appreciate an update.  I met the husband for dinner and drinks earlier tonight.  He told me he’s been “living a lie” for the last five or so years and had been “stepping out” on the wife with various women.   He’s recently decided he “has feelings” for one of them - more than 20 years younger than his wife - and decided to come clean.

She had zero idea it was coming and is devastated.

It was a tough dinner.

So, like I said, you never know. [/quote]

It’s hard to understand how men can knowingly do something so harmful and devastating to the parent of their children.[/quote]

They don’t have kids.  [/quote]

Then he really didn’t have a reason to not just end it before he cheated. Not that having kids would have made it right, but it is a more complicated situation. He sounds like a loser. [/quote]

So OP, you're going to stay friends with him because why exactly? He's your longtime friend but told you he's been stepping out and auditioning replacements for five years?

[b]You do understand that if you stay friends with him that you're endorsing his behavior, right?[/b] And landing another slap against the wife because, well, the good friend is more fun and/or more prosperous and/or has good business connections and/or I don't want it to be awkward at our next college reunion etc.

It would be quite a show of support for the wife if she were to learn you abandoned your friendship because you condemned his betrayal of her.[/quote]

That's not true at all.

He can condemn his behavior without entirely cutting him out of his life as a friend.

Shunning him over this is a bit of an overreaction from someone that isn't personally impacted[/quote]

It most certainly is true that you're endorsing his behavior if you stay friends with him, when he treated the woman he married this way. But an internship a few years from now for your kid at his company has real value. So too does an introduction to his procurement person. As does an endorsement as you apply for a place at his club. So, you know, you quietly "dislike" the behavior and privately wish he wouldn't do that, but you're not going to throw away the friendship because you have too much integrity.[/quote]

Life's just complicated. Our good friends and neighbors are getting divorced after 20 years together. He's a prominent and well-published medical researcher just over 50, and left his wife for his lab assistant out of college. But he's really prominent in his specialty, and our son in college wants to enter that specialty based on looking up to this man and his accomplishments. So we have to accept what happened and understand it's not our place to judge his choices, even if that means the wife won't talk with us anymore. We can't blackball our son before he even takes the MCATs.[/quote]

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