Reply to Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that the author is on to something.  The martyrdom model of motherhood has become the ideal female POV of parenthood. Unfortunately, it is compounded by the fact that other domestic duties and mental burden also falls on women.  And corporate policies often frown upon mothers.

On top of that, the pandemic clearly showed us that schools are not doing a great job of educating our children and if we do not parent our children then there are others in real and virtual life who will prey on them.

Biologically, mothers have been programmed to be the primary caregiver to a large extent.  But, in the modern world, we cannot put more burden on mothers than is already there biologically and not expect that that they either switch off or are resentful.

I have taken my cues in parenting from my DH and not from other women.  He and I, met in graduate school, and we both worked in careers that required us to think and analyze.  He is an amazing dad and husband, but he had NO GUILT to outsource chores and throw money for convenience.  When we decided that I will become a SAHM, he was worried about my mental state.  He and I, built-in all the breaks possible for me, so that I could be a less resentful and mainly happy SAHM and wife.

I can say, I am very happy with my life and all the time I have spent with my kids.  All that is possible because I had relatives who helped, DH who helped, I could sleep in on weekends, I had domestic help, I was secure.  It mitigated the erasure of a professional identity and getting out of touch with many of my friends from a previous life.

Motherhood is never easy for the mothers.  Is it a scam?  No. But, it requires you to smash your sense of self as it existed before having a child and rebuild something new in which the child becomes central.  It does not matter if you are a SAHM or WOHM.  You are forever changed in ways that you could not have comprehended before being a parent.  It is not a scam in the sense that it is also very joyful and fulfilling.  But, it is absolutely not easy and it does a number on you as an individual.  There is also not one single prescription to have a balanced life in motherhood that works for everyone.   Because your health, your baggage, your child, your marriage, your job... in short your whole existence is unique and dynamic.  All I can say is that mothers try their best and mostly put themselves last. 
 [/quote]

That's great, but depends on a partner who is like yours. Most DHs are not like yours. My DH definitely contributes to the dynamic where I come last. Even when I'm actively working to change that dynamic, he fights me on doing his fair share, and he fights me on outsourcing, and he fights me on taking time to myself. All while claiming he cares about my mental health and wants an equal partnership.

I wish my DH was more like yours. He's not, and never will be, and there are no social consequences for it. In fact, I think he's a lot more typical than yours.[/quote]

Mine too. If I ask him to do something I’m nagging and if I say I'm outsourcing I’m a wasteful spender. Conveniently for him all that’s left is me doing everything. [/quote]

Yup, this is why the author in the interview talks about motherhood feeling like a scheme devised by men. If you stay at home, you're lazy and a grifter. If you work, you better still be able to do everything else or you're a bad mom.

Most people we know outsource but DH always says he feels like we can't afford it. Then I talk about getting a slightly less flexible but higher paying job, and he panics and claims our family can't handle it.

I feel like this entire system hinges on me doing a lot of unpaid labor for everyone in my life, but if I go out for drinks with a friend to just try and feel like an independent human being with a social life for once, everyone's like "haha wine moms for life, amiright?" It's all so freaking demeaning.[/quote]

Yeah, I don't get any of this. I don't feel a part of "this entire system." And, unpaid labor? What? We all pitch in to keep things running. Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less but mostly I do the things I want to do and my DH will pick up the things that I really don't want to do - like dishes and mopping. I hate dishes and mopping. Is this whole convo about things like dishes and mopping?[/quote]

So you feel like your DH does his fair share. Our DH's don't. What's your confusion?[/quote]

Because the whole “motherhood is a scam” and associated societal construct is argued to be larger than chore wars between a wife and her husband.

I don’t doubt that the husbands here are as lame and lazy as described. [/quote]

What you are missing is that society condones men who are "lame and lazy," as you put it, when it comes to housework and childcare. That's why so many men are like this -- there is no social condemnation for it, and in fact usually their wives get blamed for insufficiently motivating them, or for not just sucking it up, or for having too high standards, or any of the million reasons we come up with to blame a woman for a man's feeling.

You have a husband who helps. Congratulations. For you, this can just be about the "chore wars" or whatever. What you don't understand is that when you are in a marriage like this (and more women are in marriages like this than not -- you are an outlier) it's not so simple as just saying to your husband, "Look, this and this feel unequal -- can you help me with them so things can be more equal?" Instead, you get gaslit:

"What do you mean that's not unequal. I do the dishes all the time. I clean the shower all the time."

So you sit down and make note of when these things happen and who does them. You get fair play cards and prove, clearly, that you do these things far more than your DH. Then he says:

"Ok fine, but that's because it's more important to you. You just care so much more about a clean shower or having the dishes clean before bed. I am more relaxed about this stuff. Why should I have to clean to your exacting standards."

And the infuriating part? SOCIETY BACKS HIM UP. All he's doing is trying to get out of doing chores around the house. Like he's just transparently being lazy and rooting around for a good excuse that will get you to leave him alone, just like he used to when is parents told him to clean up his room. But the the rest of the society is like, "Well actually, it sounds like your DH does a lot around the house. Didn't he pick up the kids from school yesterday? Sure you do it every other day of the week, but back in the 70s men never did stuff like that. You're lucky! And he's right that your standards are too high. What's that, you want the kitchen clean by the end of the night because in the morning you wind up making breakfast and preparing lunches for the kids while your DH claims he's "checking email" and then takes a 30 minutes shower? That's your own fault for not planning ahead better. If you want him to help with the morning run, you need to be more specific about what he's supposed to do. What, you want him to read your mind? How is he supposed to know what the children he's lived with for the last 10 years need in order to get to school? You didn't tell him, that's on you."

Motherhood might night be a scam, but ^^^^^ definitely is.[/quote]

I'm the PP you're responding to and your last sentence is the crux of the matter. It's not motherhood. It's feeling overwhelmed when children are young because your partner is crap and you have to pick up his slack.

I still don't know what society is doing to back him up effectively within the confines of your living room but I get that's what you feel.

I was raised by a single father who did everything. It never crossed my mind that my DH wouldn't also be capable of doing everything. We clashed early in our marriage because there was a mismatch of expectations. I would say we both prevailed and found a balance. He makes the kids breakfast every morning and make sure they get out the the door because h's an early riser. I help them wrap things up at night and get them to bed because I am a night owl. I genuinely have more energy and can take them to activity after activity without flagging. Not only can I do that, I want to do that. He isn't as robust but can stay in one place, figure things out with precision, and clean the house, which would drive me insane.

I would suggest getting society out of your living room and say that he can choose either a house cleaner or a divorce lawyer. What would be cheaper? Because I agree, f that.[/quote]

The problem here is that you have objectively unusual experiences with men as fathers and partners but assume that everyone either has that experience or has the opportunity to have it. You are failing to exercise empathy for other women because you're falling into the classic trap of "well this works well for me without much trouble, so that must be the case for most people."

Approximately 15% of all families are single-father households, and that's the highest it's ever been -- it was well under 10% when I was a child growing up.

Among people who grew up with two-parent households, the vast majority grew up with fathers who made significantly more than their mothers, or where their mothers did not work at all. So statistically, most people grew up in families where their mothers did the vast majority (and not unusually 100%) of childcare and homeware, even if their mothers worked, and especially if their moms were single mothers. Even in households with some outsourcing, the management of that outsourcing was overwhelmingly managed by women.

Now a generation or two later, the problem is this: women are in the workplace in record numbers, they make more than ever, have more responsibility at work, and the percentage of households where women outran male partners is higher than ever and growing. But women continue to do significantly more childcare and housework than men, and even in households that outsource these things, women are far more likely than men to management the outsourcing. And of course, who do these tasks get outsourced to? Women, many of whom have kids of their own.

So whatever your personal experience, the truth is that we live in a society where women continue to do the lion's share of childcare and housework, and increasingly do a much larger percentage of the paid work. THAT IS THE SCAM. And it's not specific to my household or a single couple negotiating their chores. It is structural and cultural.

If you can't see that, the problem is your own myopic fixation on your outlier experience as representative of all people, and also your false belief that your marriage is more equitable simply because you chose to make it so, and not because of many factors over which you had no control.

Stop gaslighting other women.[/quote]

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