Reply to Desperate plea for help with my 4 year old DD

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Reply to "Desperate plea for help with my 4 year old DD"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Desperate plea

[b]sweet perfect

dream baby in every way

sleeping well

nursing well

so happy all the time

almost completely problem free

We thought we'd dodged the bullet.  [/b]

took a left turn and became this miserable uncooperative being

I literally do not like being around her

She makes life completely miserable for her dad, her little sister and me

Her most common statements are "I don't want to!!" or "I hate that!"

She never wants the baby in her room for even a second and will literally slam the door in her face.  She doesn't want to share anything ever, in fact doesn't even want her sister to LOOK at her sometimes.

She is completely uncooperative with: getting dressed, going to the potty when it wasn't her idea (ie: if its bedtime or we're leaving the house), getting undressed, getting in carseat, getting on sunscreen, picking up toys, coming to the meal table.

She has moments of seeming good moods where she is sweet to us and her sister, but they are short-lived and certainly on her terms.

The whole family walks on eggshells constantly.

There is no such thing as a good day - a good couple hours maybe, but never a whole day.

Every day brings angry yelling fits AND inconsolable crying meltdowns.

She just cannot cope with the daily tasks of life or any sort of disappointment whatsoever.

Despite all of this, she is a sweet child who is an angel at school and around most other people (except her closest relatives like my mom and my sister).  She has lots of friends and lots of fun...just not with her immediate family.

I am miserable every single morning when I wake up.

Its affecting my marriage and my relationship with both of my children.

I'm concerned about my younger child, and also TERRIFIED that whatever this is going to "stick" with my older child and she will never be truly happy and as a result will make us all miserable forever.

I know that sounds super doom and gloom, but its the kind of stuff that runs through my head when I can't fall asleep at night.

Sorry for the novel...I'm just so desperate and don't know where to turn![/quote]

OP, I'm going to say this gently but I think the problem is with you. It may be anxiety or depression or maybe a personality disorder but you need to get help. You seem to need to see things in black or white, I've bolded some of the parts where you put her on a pedestal. There is only one direction from there.

Your language is very dramatic about very common behavior for a preschooler. Your expectations are out of line of normal child development. The fact that she only acts with way with her family or yours is telling. I don't think you learned healthy parenting growing up and it's wonderful that you do now. You need to be less focused on what is wrong with DD and more on making her feel loved and valued and normal. You mention a sister, are you the older sister? Sometimes we tend to project stuff onto the child who has the same gender/birth order. Do you SAH? I would go to a psychiatrist and get treated for possible depression or anxiety. Then work with a therapist on yourself and with a parenting expert to better learn how to cope with DD. Will she be in school full time in the fall? It sounds like you need some distance and a break. In a sense you have made her in charge of your moods and feelings and that isn't healthy for anyone. She is just a little girl. Get help for you first and then work on a healthy life balance. I was in a similar place a few years ago and when you sort yourself out the parenting problems shrink amazingly. Reach out to DH too. Family therapy can be very helpful but you need to be in a better place emotionally and you sound "desperate". I have always been very reactive to the moods of others and my negative persistant DD felt very threatening to me for want of a better word. Treatment for depression and anxiety and way better life balance helped me a lot. DD may be prone to the same challenges but I'm committed to modeling the healthiest behavior I can.[/quote]

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