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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As an actual single parent, can I ask what people mean when they say that they wouldn’t be able to work with a big law spouse?

People work and parent with zero help from a spouse all the time.  The Big Law families I know have enough money to pay for a lot of help, and they show up for the most important things. How is that not far easier than what single parents do every day?  [/quote]

You are overlooking subtle dynamics.

First off, what kind of single parent are you? Are you a widow/widower? Divorce but share custody? Divorced but other parent is a deadbeat? Or single parent by choice via donor/surrogate? These are all very different dynamics. Well, so is being the "solo parent" in a marriage with a partner who works all the time.

A widow, single parent with a deadbeat ex-partner, or single parent by choice is going to have it toughest, especially if they have to rely entirely on their income (no life insurance, family help etc.) because they are truly doing it all. Though in individual cases they may have considerable help from family, it just depends. One overlooked advantage of this situation is the ability to make all family choices unilaterally. You can move if you want to move. You can pull your kid from their preschool you don't think is a good fit because you want to, with no discussion with anyone else. You don't have to accommodate another person's opinions, needs, complaints, etc. You are still a parent and carry a heavy weight as the one person your kids fully rely on. But there is some liberty there that married parents don't have.

Meanwhile, a divorced parent with joint custody is not ACTUALLY a single parent, assuming both parents are involved (no deadbeats). You just co-parent from different homes. This is really different from being a parent who is 100% responsible for the kids all the time, whether because your spouse died or ran off, or you were never married, OR because they work insane hours with no days off and even if they show up for kid events as much as they can, they aren't actually responsible for any aspect of taking care of the children.

This isn't me advocating for one situation or another. Agree BigLaw spouses have lots of financial resources and that's going to make their lives a lot easier than other situations (like a middle class single parent whose ex never pays child support, or a married couple where one of them is going through their medical residency, or any of a number of situation where one parent does the vast majority of the parenting with limited financial resources). But just saying "well I'm a single mom, this is harder" is meaningless without providing details. I know a number of single moms who have it pretty good, to be honest -- they can afford their lifestyle, their kids ware with their ex 3 nights a week, and they don't have to support a spouse emotionally or financially, or clean up after them or cook for them. That sounds easier to me than being a BigLaw spouse who must support a spouse in a high-stress, high-stakes job while ALSO doing almost 100% of the parenting, plus most people will be like "whatever, you're rich" and so you won't get much support or empathy from friends or family either. That sounds pretty darn isolating to me.[/quote]

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