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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Catching up on all the feedback. I appreciate it all. Even the harsh feedback.

To address some things that have come up, I’ve been in therapy for at least 6 mos and we’ve been in marriage counseling for a year.

I’m not depressed (I’ve inquired). My husband may be but will never go on meds due to his profession (and maybe he’s not).

I come from a very stable family, have a very strong circle of friends, etc. My husband is more of a loner. He would say he has strong connections, but they appear surface-level or at least they are not people who are part of his everyday life. He’s estranged from most of his family. I think his world mostly revolves around our child and me.

Of course I have baggage. I don’t want my parents’ marriage. They’ve been married for more than 50 years, but they really don’t spend time together. My mother treats my father horribly. I feel as though we’re on that path.

I also have no doubt that my husband will or could find someone quickly. He is a catch in many respects. I know I may end up alone.[b] But is that really a reason to stay married? [/b]When our child is gone, what will we talk about? We never had hours of endless talking.

I married him for all the reasons people are saying I should stay in this marriage. He’s a good provider. Attentive. Kind. Yes! I recognize aaaaall the good qualities![/quote]

Answer to the bolded: Fear of ending up alone while your husband finds someone new is not a good reason to stay in a marriage. It's so silly that some PPs keep bringing it up in thread after thread by women thinking about leaving.

I am very similar to you and would describe my husband as a good catch. But if your husband is depressed, you oversold him to us in your OP.

Why do you think he is depressed? Has he seen someone for depression? He can be a good catch and be depressed, and his depression will mess with your head if you are not conscious. You will start wondering why this wonderful man is seeing things so differently from how you are seeing them? Could you be wrong? Could he have a point?

Mine has anxiety which makes communication difficult ( is allergic to conflict). But weekly therapy has worked miracles. We still get stuck sometimes, but I could not live with who he was before that. But everyone would have thought I was a fool for leaving if I left then. But someone's attitude, especially someone you live with can affect the way you connect with them in ways that others looking from the outside in cannot imagine.

Good news: perfect people don't exist and there are many resources for these issues even without meds if this is what is going on with your husband.

There is therapy, church counseling, meditation and more. He has to look for help.
[/quote]

OMG. You UNDERSTAND! I don’t know if he’s really depressed. But he does not have good coping mechanisms. He is conflict avoidant. It’s happy go lucky or all terrible! I cannot live in Disneyland!

But my part in all this is that I have let it happen. Because of all the reasons I have said. He’s kind, intelligent, loving, responsible. I thought I was crazy for not being satisfied.

He’s in counseling too. But I honestly don’t know how much he is willing to dig into some core issues of his past. But I’m grateful he is going.   [/quote]

I don't know, OP.

It's not always about the past. Some people have wiring challenges. My DH inherited his anxiety from his mom. There is nothing to dig up from his past. There is nothing in her past either. It's their biology.

Can he try a new counselor?

My DH tells his what he is anxious about and the therapist says:" OK, let's look at times in the past when something like this happened. How did it end? And his answer is usually fine. And then he calms down. Or : " OK. Why don't you ask DW. Come back and tell me how it went ". Then he I'd committed to have a discussion  instead of avoid one.

It's basic settle down stuff that most women resolve by chatting with their girlfriends. But it's very effective in releasing pressure.

I am not saying this is the solution for you. Just saying sometimes you need to explore more resources to find a solution, and it might be an easy solution that you are overlooking, especially because he is a great guy already. There are good bones to build on.

Don't despair.[/quote]

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