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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t get it, but then I’m an ardent feminist whose entire life has been focused around the consequences of male violence - first in a family of origin ‘led’ by a raging violent alcoholic bully and later in various adult roles as DV advocate, legal aid attorney , public defender and prosecutor working in the trenches with lives mired in the consequences of male violence.

I’ve been wanting to change my surname for many years now. I haven’t and won’t get married, and I don’t want to die with the name of the man who first abused me and my mother and siblings.

Any ideas for how an adult woman should choose a new surname? I’ve considered choosing a surname from family history, but I recognize that there is a high probability by that method I will choose the name of somebody’s else’s abuser.

Any ideas, let me know!

[/quote]

Your mom’s maiden name would work, no?[/quote]

No, that name belongs to the man who abused my grandmother into fleeing her home and family and laid the ground work for my mother’s acceptance of my father’s abuse.

I briefly considered my grandmother’s maiden name, but while I never knew my great grandfather I can assume that he was quite possibly also a misogynist whose treatment of my great grandmother and grandmother led to my grandmother’s acceptant of her husband’s abuse for two decades. See it’s an endless cycle.

I appreciate the idea of honoring someone I’ve admired by choosing her name. But going that route could end me up with the name of another abuser - many of the women I’ve admired in my life were driven to their accomplishments as a reaction to toxic patriarchy at the micro or macro level.

It’s a conundrum for sure.[/quote][/quote]

Then create a new familial last name.  Translate a word that embodies what you consider the family traits you want to honor into another language.  Something like Salvador which is Savior in Spanish.  Or Mater which is mother in French.  Even something pedestrian like Baker because you love to bake.  Or use any other reason to come up with a name that you like that gives you a positive feel.

If you are really offended by the patriarchal society, you can think outside the box and do something that inspires you and creates the general feeling that you want to have for your familial name.  You can also choose to name your children with your new surname or create a new one.  I have a good friend who did that.  The parents both kept their names when they wed.  When they had kids, they created a new family name to honor a cherished family member (took the family member's first name and made it the legal last name for the children).  So think John Doe and Jane Smith married and gave their children the last name Spencer.  When they sign things they sign "The Spencer Family" even though it is technically not either parent's legal last name.  But it works fine.[/quote]

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