Reply to Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.[/quote]

Trust goes both ways.  With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something.  As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear.  One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.  [/quote]
So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue? [/quote]

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.  [/quote]

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive. 
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened? [/quote]

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns. [/quote]

It's also genetic though. I have two kids and only the adhd one lies. It's a coping mechanism[/quote]

PP here and I wasn’t talking about whether ADHD is genetic, just explaining that people who habitually lie out of fear they will get in trouble are often anticipating a negative response to the truth even if you have no history of overreacting or criticizing them. Another PP said that someone with ADHD might lie if they expect you to overreact, but IME this expectation is often based on other experiences with other people.

Also, most children lie whether they have ADHD or not. At some point. And as a parent you can look at those lies and recognize that they may not come from a truly deceitful place, but a fearful one or even a confused one. But that’s different than a relationship with another adult. Your child with ADHD, for instance, will have to learn not to lie to partners as an adult because it’s so corrosive to relationships. Your partner (not your friends, roommates, colleagues, neighbors) cannot be expected to view you as a parent might. They don’t have to be forgiving if lies, even if you only told them due to ADHD. Even if it’s genetic. Compulsive Lying is not a behavior that most people can tolerate from another adult.[/quote]

Lying is a choice. It destroys trust and relationships.

If you know you have unmanaged adhd and your “snafus” are causing suffering, don’t lie, apologize and make better systems.

With a non adhd person, who’s “stubbon,” natural consequences will still work most of the time.  They don’t want their kid late and the coach calling, or the spouse angry, or the bill doubling in cost.  They will learn a lesson, and self correct.

Natural consequences do not work so well with adhd or ASD people. They need serious help and motivation to correct the bad habit. [/quote]

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