Reply to If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

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Reply to "If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for the discussion. I haven't agreed with everyone but I have found everyone's perspective interesting.

To clarify, I haven't experienced this recently but I have come across it in life. A lot more in my 20s and 30s (I'm middle aged now and simply don't interact with as broad a range of people as I once did, which is one reason I don't think I've encountered this recently). But I have seen it in life and I definitely see it on DCUM all the time. I'm certainly not saying that everyone from a functional family is like this. At all. More that I have known people from what appear to be functional families (and specifically people who seem to be well loved and supported by their parents, which I think is very central to family functionality due to the fact that I did not experience this) who CAN be very judgmental and not particularly kind towards people who have not had that experience. It always shocks me a bit. I spent probably the first 24 years of my life wanting nothing more than the love and approval of my family of origin, so when I encounter someone who has that and doesn't understand what a gift it is (or that going without it is a terrible kind of pain that can cause all kinds of challenging behaviors), I'm surprised.

Also, I'm raising my kids with the kind of love and security I didn't have, and it disturbs me to think that one day they might not understand that people who don't get that have it hard. Not even necessarily hardER. Just hard. I just want them to have empathy and to understand that while everyone deserves love and belonging, not everyone gets it, and that's something to have soft feelings for, not judgment and anger.[/quote]

Interesting.  I didn't get that background from what you have posted.  I have one more point for you to consider.

You indicate that you now have children of your own and you are raising them to be empathetic, and that they need to understand that others can come from a harder life with dysfunction.  I think you also need to raise them to be aware that people coming from a functional family frequently find that people with dysfunctional lives are attracted to their functionality.  It is like the person with a dysfunctional life or background is a homing pigeon homing in on the person with a functional life.

Teach your children how to empathetically and sympathetically maintain their boundaries when they are targeted by someone who has an extremely dysfunctional background and is dysfunctional themselves.  Your functional children shouldn't ever sacrifice their own functionality to try and white knight the dysfunctional person and feel pressured "save" them.  It is hard to escape the whirling vortex once you're caught up in it.  So as much as they may "love" the dysfunctional person, they need to stand back while the dysfunctional person heals themself and becomes stable, then they can move forward in the relationship.[/quote]

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