Reply to How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I had a similar situation with friends during my divorce. One of them always told that my ExH and I would not even divorce and will always be together. While I was fighting him in courts.

I just told them the topic of my divorce is off the table and I didn’t want to discuss anything related to him with my friends.

OP, how did you manage to marry such a guy ? I would work with a therapist addressing the issues that made you marry him in the first place. [/quote]

Curious, would you suggest to a woman who was raped to work with a therapist to address the issues that made the guy rape her?[/quote]
That is a really odd analogy. [/quote]

It is not an odd analogy.

If I beat you up, it's not your fault for not taking a karate class since age 6, although that sure would help avoid the situation.
If I get into your house and steal your valuables, it's not your fault for not having triple alarms and 5 pitbulls around, although that sure would help avoid the situation.

All this therapy talk is women trying to tell themselves that this would never happen to them, because they are somehow immune - they did not grow up with abusive parents or whatever it us that they think protects them. The only thing that can protect you is the ability to walk away, which is what OP is already doing.  No need to pile up.[/quote]

NP.

Every single woman I know with problems in her marriage ( pretty much all of us because no one is perfect) had most of these problems before marriage.

It's pretty bad timing to be talking about this now, but OP needs to reflect on how she missed those signs. It's rude to bring this up now because OP is asking an unrelated question. But let's not pretend that many of OPs husbands character flaws appeared about of nowhere. They were there from the beginning.

Most human beings are somewhat decent. [b]If you marry a completely useless one, you ignored the signs. These people are not capable of hiding who they truly are for more than a couple of weeks/ months.
[/b]
[/quote]

My experience - my actual lived experience - is different than what you’ve described. Moreover, with abuse, the “signs” are often fleeting and easily normalized at first. My husband was doting, complimentary, and adoring for the first year of our dating. I barely saw him drink and when he did it was a beer or a glass of wine. But the water gets hot slowly and I can assure you that this is part of how abusers operate by design.

But I digress - I’m not going to defend myself. Just know that the trope of “she should have known better” is what keeps this kind of cycle going for current and future victims and is a superficial take on the research behind abuse, at best.[/quote]

It takes years to birth 3 kids . When did he become abusive drunkard ? [/quote]

I had a typo up thread. It’s two children in ES and they’re twins. It took about 38 weeks to gestate them. So no, a little less than a year.[/quote]

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