Reply to Why are people here so averse to pushing their kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have four adult children of well above average intelligence and privilege.  I did have high expectations of them, and in retrospect they were too high.  My expectations didn't put their "mental health" at risk, but it did put our relationship at risk.  [b]I know what you're thinking -- that's a risk worth taking, because they'll thank you for pushing them when they're adults -- but you need to recognize that there's a thin line between pushing and pushing too hard[/b].
 
If you push too hard, and your kid doesn't rise to your expectations, they're still likely to end up just fine as adults generally and mental health wise, but not think very well of you as a parent have a strained relationship with you.  I'm lucky that that hasn't happened with me, but it easily could have, and it did happen with a lot my kids' friends and their parents.

Your kid is still young, OP.  With the benefit of hindsight, I can tell you that most of things that you have outlined in your litany of expectations mean very little to adult success and happiness in the long run.   Your strategy is high risk for low reward.

Of course, I don't expect that you'll actually listen to my advice or any of the other sound advice being offered here.  Clearly, that's not why you're here.

[/quote]

OP here. Okay, so there's a thin line between pushing and pushing too hard. Where do you think that line is? I don't think I'm anywhere close to it, at least compared to the parents around me (travel sports parents are the most aggressive when it comes to pushing IME). But how did you realize that you pushed too hard instead of appropriately? Did your own kids tell you? IMO kids are not the best judges of whether our parenting was appropriate or not. [/quote]

When you're fighting with your kid most of the time.  When your relationship is one of constant conflict (or the threat of conflict or punishment).  When your kid starts acting out, exhibiting symptoms of anxiety, self-harm, stress, depression.  Kids find ways to tell you they are hurting -- when you can't hear them or aren't listening, you're pushing too hard.  When you are doing all of the motivating with external rewards and punishments, and none of it is really coming from your kid.  When your kid feels like your love and approval are conditional on them being a high achiever.  When their goals are really just your goals.  [b]The thing is, you won't necessarily know if you were pushing too hard (or not enough, or in the wrong direction, or in the wrong way) in the moment.  [/b]That's not how parenting works.  You'll find out when your kid leaves home.   [/quote]

OP here. Right, we don't really know if what we're doing is correct. All we can go off of are our instincts and the results of the kids around us, which both show that pushing has more benefits than negatives. [/quote]

kids are people, not “results.” [/quote]

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