Reply to Concerned for H’s mental health. What to do?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I posted an update a few days ago. I caught H smoking while he was watching the baby. And if that wasn’t bad enough, someone called CPS because of it. I hope this is a wake up call for him.

I don't see anything about CPS in this thread and while you mentioned he was smoking in the garage you said nothing about the baby.

Have you gotten legal counsel? Has the CPS investigation been closed? It needs to be a wake up call for you, too, if you leave the kids with him you may be judged to be unfit yourself. Maybe not the best time to be doing "what you want to do" while your family is under scrutiny. CPS could take your kids. [/quote]

OP, please consider the call to CPS a wake up call for you as well.

Your DH's situation is not a matter of 'shaping up' or 'getting it now' because someone else or CPS says he should.  He can't.  He's addicted.  His only goal is to survive, keep his addiction going, keep things status quo enough to the outside world to keep his addiction going.  The outside world is everyone else except him.  "Everyone else" includes you and your kids.

You are not privy to his interior life no matter how much he 'confides' to you or tells you that you are.  He's lying.  He's convinces you that he cares about you and your kids.  He keeps talking you and everyone else in the outside world into believing him for a little bit longer so he can keep his addiction going.

Imagine if you saw a baby in a carrier next to a grown man smoking weed.  Now imagine knowing that the baby had serious health challenges and that the man was endangering the baby's ability thrive by smoking next to it.  What would you do?  Would you 'talk' to the man about his behavior?  Do you think your 'talk' would make the man change his behavior?

Your DH can't see you or his kids as people who he needs to take care of and care for; that's why he chose to have kids with you, because he knows you will take care of and care for him, and he also knows, instinctively, the more kids you to care for also equals less time you will have to pay attention to him as well, which gives him more opportunity to escape and nurse his addiction.  He doesn't want your attention, he wants your protection which you are giving him by not comprehending how serious and precarious your situation is as well.

Your DH only wants weed and opportunities to continue to smoke week.  You attitude and behavior toward your DH continue to create opportunities for him to smoke weed, so that's what he's trying to preserve.  He's not trying to preserve his relationship with you or his role as someone who is responsible for the well being of his children.
 
Addicts can't choose 'the right thing to do'.  Addicts can't not choose their addiction and their shame keeps them stuck.

You, OP, are addicted to the idea that your DH is going to change, or that he will if someone threatens him successfully enough.  He's not changing his habit.  He's hiding his habit.  The habit rules and guides his decision making; no one else does.   [/quote]

I know he's not changing. He's on waiting lists for apartments. He enrolled in a treatment program and I told him I don't care, I've had enough. I don't talk to him. I don't leave the kids alone with him. I don't want anything to do with him. I talked with CPS enough to explain the situation and that my kids aren't in danger as I watch them 24/7, and told her to talk to him because he's the problem (and she agreed). He bought a bunch of tests so he could prove he gets sober and I told him don't bother, I don't care anymore. I know him stepping it up at home is a manipulative tactic, and that just p!sses me off more. This weekend I'm taking the kids out by myself all day both days, and in a week the kids and I are going to spend time with my family without him.

My only concern is that he suddenly gets empowered to stay in the house and demand 50/50 custody. He seems to already be headed that way. He's already blamed me for CPS being called and for my oldest kid knowing what is happening. [/quote]

I am a PP above who said I’d been in a similar situation.  My advice to you - don't be so antagonistic when he tells you things like he’s getting an apartment, getting tests, taking the kids and spending the whole weekend without him, etc.  I was also very worried that my DH would get motivated about 50/50 custody.  When we were breaking up, I played very nice with him.  We still ate together some nights at our home. We still went out together on the weekends. Mentally I shifted to realizing I was responsible for the kids 24/7, and he was just along for the ride.

I played things soft until I had full physical custody and what I considered safe visitation parameters.  DH wanted to be seen as a good dad but didn’t really care about actually having custody.  Had I been really confrontational, I think he would have sought 50% custody.

Just be cool and continue on your pathway. You are justified in being mad, but that might not be the most effective strategy.  You do not owe him any honesty. You should feel free to make and break promises as you feel necessary. You do not have to answer any of his entreaties or suppositions about the future. Develop ways of showing that you have heard him without really affirming/denying him. I answered “hmmm” and “You’ve given me something to think about” a lot! [/quote]

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