Reply to What do you think is the most ideal family set up?

Forum Index » General Parenting Discussion

Reply to "What do you think is the most ideal family set up?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]These scenarios don't account for the different needs of families when kids are under 5 versus elementary versus MS/HS. Many families move between these options and some options are better for certain ages. I wanted to SAHM when kids were very young but would feel uncomfortable doing it when kids are in upper elementary because I'd get bored and crave space for myself by then. By HS families need to be thinking about what their plan is when kids leave.

Also, none of these scenarios offer what is often the dream scenario for a lot of working parents, which is PT or occasional work. Maybe that's supposed to be baked into "flexible job" but I am assuming FT work still. Families generally need at least one FT parent for financial stability and healthcare. But being able to work PT, or not work summers, or do consulting work that allows you to pick it up when you want and take time off when you want, can be magical with kids. It allows that parent to have a work life while enabling the kind of flexibility that you can't get even with a remote, undemanding full time job.

So I'll add:

E. One parent with flexible FT job, one parent with PT work or self-employment, enough money to hire help when needed, splitting household duties 50/50 but childcare more like 70/30 to accommodate the fact that one parent wants to work a bit more and the other parent wants to spend more time with kids.

That's where we are at and it's perfect.[/quote]

I agree that it’s very different to have kids under 5, and I think it should be easier to change between options. I’m a PP who said A/C because I’m technically not full time but have some flexibility. So I work when my kids are in school/preschool and then if I need to do extra I do it when they are asleep. Hard on me sometimes but preferable to leaving the job market entirely. I would prefer my DH did a bit more helping out/child carebut I try to respect that he is choosing from some what limited options the same way I am. If I could trade 15 percent salary for 15 percent less work I would, absolutely. But it doesn’t work exactly like that. So we are doing our best to imperfectly meet everyone’s needs. [/quote]

Regardless of any specific set up, I think both parents should regularly care for the kids on their own. I liked that that happened naturally for an hour each morning during a previous iteration of our set up when my husband was actually working more. It definitely was good for his dynamic with the kids. I really need to find a way to make it happen more often now.[/quote]

+1 Covid was actually helpful for us in this way because now that DH has some WFH (I've always been FT WFH), he is able to do stuff like drop off/pick up and he gets more regular one-on-one time with kids, plus interacts more with teachers and just generally is more plugged in and involved. He would do this stuff on the weekend before, but now it's just built into our schedule and it's been so good for his relationship with the kids and also helped him develop more and better parenting skills.

I think any scenario in which one parent basically never parents on their own is a recipe for disaster because this creates so many disparities in a family. The children will instinctively always go to the parent they know and trust more, which compounds the problem, plus little jealousies and resentments crop up as the kids get older and these patterns get baked into relationships instead of just being a logistical issue.

I think men often need a push to do more solo parenting and develop more solo parenting skills, and in situations where the man has the more demanding job and his partner is either a SAHM or the one with the flexible job, it's harder to make this happen. Not impossible, but harder. I think A is easiest and D you risk neither parent ever really developing strong parenting skills because they simply do not parent enough. I know a family like this with tweens and while they both have really impressive careers, when I see them together as a family I am so, so grateful to not be in that situation. Their family dynamic is really overwhelming and dysfunctional when the nanny or MIL (who also helps them) is not around. They don't know how to make it any other way.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics