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[quote=Anonymous]I feel for your sister, OP. My kids were 3 and 5 when I discovered my husband was having an affair. They're 10 and 12 now.

I confided in my sister too. I needed her! I remember asking her point blank if she thought I was an idiot for trying to reconcile, if she thought my husband was just too irredeemably broken to be the spouse I deserve. She thought about it and said, no, she thought he was a mostly good person and we had something worth fighting for. I remember her saying she was so mad at him and she might need to pull him aside the first time she saw him and tell him so, but in the end I think they just hugged.

That book's title makes me think it's too much "shore up your marriage!" and not enough "cheating is about the dumbo who did it, not the 'marriage'." I'd recommend Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair by Linda J. MacDonald. I also think the articles on the Infidelity Help Group website are very logical.

We tried marital counseling but other than the counselor putting my husband in his place (he was still all blame-y and clueless at that point) it didn't help much. Individual counseling is much better. I did it for a year or so and my husband still goes. He definitely needed to learn and deepen a lot of skills: self-awareness, communication, resilience, etc. [/quote]

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