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[quote=Anonymous]OP, my husband and I faced this issue as well, though my husband's reasons were not related to how much work kids are. I wanted a second child. He would say that he felt ambivalent, but I think the truth is more than he actually really just didn't want another kid. He is a GREAT dad and our daughter was the light of his life, but he did not want children for most of his life (believes that it is selfish and potentially cruel to bring a being into a world of suffering any pain). DD1 was planned, but we didn't have a concrete plan about "how many children we wanted" so much as we loved DD and talked about having another in the future. I got pregnant by accident when DD was about 4 and miscarried, which was how we started talking about our feelings about a second child. I wanted a second child, but I truly didn't want one so much I was willing to divorce over it. He didn't want a second child, but he wanted me to be happy and as I said, he loves our DD and enjoys parenting in general. We talked about it for 2 solid years, and ultimately we ended up agreeing to try to have another and if it worked easily, we would stop for sure after that, but that if fertility became an issue, we would not pursue any assisted fertility stuff. It felt like a really reasonable compromise based on both of us valuing our marriage and each other's happiness. I thought that he had really worked through his feelings and come to a place of peace about the ethical side.

We had a second daughter when our oldest was 7, and she is now almost 5. DH is still a great dad, and arguably he is closer to our second daughter than our first, but he is actually not at peace with his decision and struggles constantly with the reality that he did not actually want to do this and feels immense guilt about it. His feelings are complicated by his love for our daughters, because obviously once the baby is there, it's hard not to love them. It's not ALL resentment, but the resentment is definitely there. It is not something that comes up frequently, but for example, he has mentioned a couple of times how much easier it would have been for us to weather the pandemic with only one older child instead of a younger one who requires more care. When we have had major arguments over the past 2 years, his resentment about having another child comes out. He usually stops short of blaming me for "trapping him" or whatever and blames himself. He says that he was cowardly and afraid that he would ruin our marriage if he really refused to have another child. When I counter with the years we spent processing about it, in and out of therapy, he admits that he was not being as honest with himself as he should have been. For what it's worth, I would never have trapped him or forced him ultimately. I truly thought that we were engaged in a process of working through his feelings together, and I thought that's exactly what had happened. It is possible that my husband is revising history to suit his current feelings, but one way or another, I would strongly recommend that you guys talk about this issue and really get to the root of your husband's reluctance as well as your enthusiasm because it sounds like both of those things are not fully explored. [/quote]

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