Reply to "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage"

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Reply to ""the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, her 37 years of experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist are not worth anything?

As the so-called "victime" of several affairs, this is what I know - and this is looking through compassionate eyes - I understand that my wife's cheating really had nothing to do with me. Her affairs were a symptom of a deep seated unhappiness and continuing search for attachment that were symptomatic of a personality disorder she suffers from.  Towards the end of the marriage - when I was in the process of ending it - I did fall in love with someone and had what many might consider an affair. I did not feel guilty.  My marriage was dead and had been for years.  As Esther Perel writes, there is nothing lonelier than to be in a marriage where you are not desired.

What ended my marriage was my decision to not  put up with any more abuse from my exDW, her inability to be a partner in the daily aspects of the marriage from housework to child-rearing to finances and my unwillingness to be her savior when she was f**king up as a parent, professional or person and unwillingness to go to treatment for her PD.   I did use her very last affair as legal leverage to get what I wanted for a settlement agreement.

I do not stand in judgement of anyone.  I have no idea of their journey.  But I no longer believe that the so-called "cheater" is always wrong nor that the spouse is the "victim."  Love, eroticism, sex and desire are all messy, complicated subjects.  I read recently that if you are looking for a relationship to make you happy, you will be sorely disappointed.  [/quote]

There are more bad therapists than good ones.

Yes. It’s your fault you cheated. You could have divorced 1st. It was your choice not to divorce 1st.

I’m sure you’ve done the therapy to understand why you stayed too long instead of the mature, strong, forthright thing.[/quote]

I don’t consider myself to have cheated. My STBX was long ago checked out. I stayed for the children. Once they were adults, I was out. NOT.ONE.SINGLE.MEMBER.OF.MY.FAMILY nor any of my friends judged me. They all knew the hell I suffered for 22 years. What any one tells me on DCUM doesn’t matter to me at all. My life! I’ll live it my way. You can only take so long of living with someone who dies nothing but take from you gives nothing in return. [/quote]

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