Reply to "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage"

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Reply to ""the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage""

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[quote=Anonymous]So, her 37 years of experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist are not worth anything?

As the so-called "victime" of several affairs, this is what I know - and this is looking through compassionate eyes - I understand that my wife's cheating really had nothing to do with me. Her affairs were a symptom of a deep seated unhappiness and continuing search for attachment that were symptomatic of a personality disorder she suffers from.  Towards the end of the marriage - when I was in the process of ending it - I did fall in love with someone and had what many might consider an affair. I did not feel guilty.  My marriage was dead and had been for years.  As Esther Perel writes, there is nothing lonelier than to be in a marriage where you are not desired.

What ended my marriage was my decision to not  put up with any more abuse from my exDW, her inability to be a partner in the daily aspects of the marriage from housework to child-rearing to finances and my unwillingness to be her savior when she was f**king up as a parent, professional or person and unwillingness to go to treatment for her PD.   I did use her very last affair as legal leverage to get what I wanted for a settlement agreement.

I do not stand in judgement of anyone.  I have no idea of their journey.  But I no longer believe that the so-called "cheater" is always wrong nor that the spouse is the "victim."  Love, eroticism, sex and desire are all messy, complicated subjects.  I read recently that if you are looking for a relationship to make you happy, you will be sorely disappointed.  [/quote]

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