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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My father was very similar to the OPs DH. My siblings and I were thrilled when they divorced and we didn't have to live with him. I'd encourage women who have allowed themselves to become dependent on their abusive spouses to figure out how to support themselves financially and take ownership of their lives and take care of their chidlren. My mother was lower middle class and she managed to leave him and raise us as a single mom and give us a very nice life.

I know that I am going to get flamed for this. But to the OP and all of the ladies with similar husbands, was this behavior really so well hidden that there were no signs before marriage and children? My mother was pressured to get married young and has shared with me that she ignored some signs of my father's issues. She still managed to be a great mom despite him and the only thing I slightly resent from time to time is that she chose him to be our father. Staying with an abusive spouse because you are unable to support yourself is not being a good parent in my experience. Flame away. [/quote]

No flaming here..and I’m the Op.  I spend a lot of time in therapy figuring out why I married him and how I could have been so stupid and then learning to do forgive myself so I can be a good mother to my children despite all of that .  All of the signs were definitely there.  I was 19 when we started dating and wish I wasn’t so young and stupid back then.  To only know one tenth of what I know now would have been helpful [/quote]

NP, but a PP with a similar husband giving my experience (I commented above with the ADHD maybe aspie DH and the similar pontoon fight!)

100% I rationalized red flags because of my own baggage, I was insecure in love, and he love bombed me (look up this term if you are unfamiliar) and it felt so good to be so loved, I was wooed.  He was amazingly doting and caring during our courtship.  I saw hints of his emotional outburst but they were infrequent and mild which didn't outweigh all the wonderful positive qualities (fun, loving, caring, thoughtful etc) I was naive about how challenging marriages can be between NT/AT partners.  I didn't know a lot then that I know now.

Then you add marriage and children, and neuro-atypical spouses are no longer to hold it together as they did during the (easy carefree) days of courtship.  Their fuse shortens, they are no longer as loving and attentive, they get mean, they try and hurt you because they feel hurt.  I felt so much regret about my choice - but as the OP mentioned above, I have been working on self-acceptance and self-compassion.  I was young and broken too, I made a choice at that time that made sense to me.  I can't go back and change that.  It is part of my journey.

I have done a lot of work on the last few years to heal the baggage that i brought into this relationship.  If I knew now what i know about myself and my baggage, I would not have married him.  But I can't change the past, I have a life and family that I love, but a marriage that is flailing, and I am working on how to love him how he is, working on my boundaries and what I will and won't tolerate.

It's hard, but I also see his outburts as an AT spouse, not a narcist - as a PP pointed out the difference being they are don't done with the intent to be malicious.  It's like being married to a toddler who can't control their emotions. [/quote]

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