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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again.   Here is a classic example of the "quiet" way he does this stuff.  We had rented a pontoon boat as we were staying in a lake house for a week.  He was driving the boat (the first thing he got involved in on this vacation), and was driving straight down the middle of the lake very fast.  It was a large lake, and I wanted to meander a little and look at all of the beautiful homes on the coast line.  So I asked him if on the way back to our lake house we could go slower and a little closer to the shore so I could take some pictures, see the sights, etc.   He said, very sarcastically, "yeah, maybe there is a parkway straight back to the lake house with a speed limit you would like"...or something like that but it was quietly said under his breath as I stood next to him and he was being mean because he interprets anyone saying ANYTHING about something he is doing as murder to his ego.  So I refused to engage in front of the kids and just walked away....then that gave him more fodder to criticize me for "not taking a joke".

Our whole married life he has made "jokes" at my expense, that are really just thinly veiled (or not so thinly veiled) nasty remarks that are in no way funny and are said meanly.    But then he can turn around when I'm angry and say I just can't take a joke, when I see through his shit now.

He kept on under his breath, and the other 6 people on the boat had no idea it was happening, and I went to the back of the boat and sat looking out at the water wanting to jump in and get away from him.  I'm just so tired, and like I said above, I want to be free.

[/quote]

I am so sorry OP, another poster who can relate.  Husband has ADHD (and may be on the spectrum) and so much of what you and other posters write rings true to my ears! I have even had a subtle fight on a pontoon boat that left me crying silently in the corner while trying to compose myself, him seemingly oblivious and the others on the boat uncomfortable.

as other posters recommend, learn more about NT/AT relationships.  set boundaries.  keep your calm, and center yourself.  In the situation you described, I have taken to limited responses, don't take the bait.  respond "well that was rude" and move on.  He wants to try and re-engage you about "not taking a joke" just repeat "well that joke hurt my feelings" focus on I statements  I feel X when you do Y.  Don't get emotional, be clear and concise.[/quote]

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