Reply to Youngish Spouse- Chronic Illness

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[quote=Anonymous]Ok...so I am in the unique position of having RA, being the primary parent, working FT, and having an addict spouse:

1) An RA patient taking opioids every 3-6 months is not an addict. It's a somewhat common short term solution to get out of excruciating pain while getting other drugs (steroids, biologics, etc) up and running. I take opioids for a few days, and then stop, and get back to life, until the excruciating pain comes back (in my case, I usually flare every couple years or so). My alcoholic spouse cannot start drinking because then he cannot stop, and staying perpetually drunk through whatever means necessary becomes his only goal. It's completely different brain chemistry.

1b) Now that you have a diagnosis and start a treatment, the opioids will be used less.

2) With the right drugs, people with RA can live relatively normal lives. I work FT, exercise, volunteer, and have 75% custody of my kids.

3) I understand what it is like to take on all the household/parenting burden. I did it in my first marriage, so that my then-spouse could pursue passion projects. It's draining. And I had full-blown RA at the time. I will say life got significantly better and easier after we divorced. So I get it OP.

4) But having been through a divorce (with a chronic illness), I will warn you that there is a potential for your ill spouse to be awarded alimony. And it may be deferred, which means when he or she decides he or she can no longer work, he or she can start receiving the alimony. You probably don't want that dagger over your head for the next 30 years. That's in addition to child support. Since you don't seem to be outsourcing much, I am assuming you probably don't make a ton of money, so CS + alimony will probably hurt. You may want to pay for a consultation with a family law attorney, just to get the lay of the land.

5) I second (third? fourth?) the PPs who suggested counseling. For you, for your spouse, and maybe together. It sounds like you are in crisis, and a professional can help you navigate it.

Good luck![/quote]

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