Reply to I’m happy being a SAHM, except when others talk about it like I’m some kind of sucker

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Reply to "I’m happy being a SAHM, except when others talk about it like I’m some kind of sucker"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For those who weren't listening the first time - the problem is wage stagnation that has made most families NEED to have two full time working parents in order to afford a home with at least two bedrooms, a working car, etc.

Just think what our society could be like if part time work paid well (thus removing the need for full time day care) or if it wasn't a huge financial risk for a family to live on only one paycheck.

We are sheep. . .[/quote]

THIS.

I wanted to be a SAHM but economically it was simply not feasible. I had an abortion with the mindset that later when we were more established it could work, at least temporarily. Later didn’t happen in that relationship - I think regret over the abortion, which we both chose but very reluctantly, ruined us - and ultimately I ended up childless after suffering a second trimester miscarriage in a later relationship when I was established in my career and really wasn’t sure how I’d manage to stay home for more than 12 weeks.

Our supports for childbearing in this country are really garbage, and with the increasing pressures of a declining birth rate largely because so many people can’t afford them, hopefully this will finally change. I’d like to see us invest in all kinds of families the way Iceland does - where even becoming a single mother isn’t an obstacle to getting an education and participation in the job market as much as one desires.

I would have loved to be a SAHM, probably for at least 5-10 years. I believe I have the qualities to have been a very good mom. But I also have been very enriched by my education and my career, and in my work I have contributed as greatly to society as good parenting would have done - maybe more.

I just think we need an economy that allows for all the choices to be truly free choices that don’t impose serious limitations on the ability to engage in other aspects of the human experience. Some women or men might want to be home for decades and never work beyond the home or school/community volunteering, others might want to do each part time, others might want to really focus on career. Excellent affordable (government subsidized, low cost or free) childcare would provide for all those choices, and open the door to increasing the quality of childcare across the board in this country. Perhaps parents who stay home should get a carer’s allowance that reflects the true value of this work in our society, and prevents families that choose that option from being penalized financially. And maybe all jobs across the board should not only offer equal pay for equal work, but a mandate on time off/phone and computers off so people are working a humane schedule and not exploited by rampant capitalism. Studies show a marked decrease in longevity of people who work 55+ hours a week - why do we insist on a work culture that celebrates overwork and workaholism?

Maybe someday Americans will make the connection that all of these things are at the root of the sickness of mind and body that is so prevalent in our society. Even so many of the so-called elites, the DCUMs of our society, are suffering the same ills of substance use disorders, other mental health disorders, marital breakdown, chronic illness and early deaths. Wealth doesn’t protect anyone from these things. We really need a fundamental rethink of what makes a successful life.

I’m not holding my breath. More often than not these days when I see what our society has become and is continuing to become, I’m glad not to have brought another soul - especially another female soul - into it.[/quote]

I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Also, I am sorry about your miscarriage and I agree the choices are terrible. I also waited to have kids when the "time was right" and then when we struggled we got a lot of judgment about having been selfish in waiting too long. There is really no way to win and the deck is stacked against you unless you and/or your family is wealthy. When I decided to SAHM, a big part of it was just being exhausted from working for 20 years and going through fertility issues and a difficult and scary pregnancy, and just needing to be allowed to focus on one thing for a little bit. It wasn't a calling and it wasn't a sacrifice. It really felt like the only sane option. I find it bizarre when I see political discussions like this about it because the choice was not political for my family. I did worry I was being a "bad feminist" but then I decided I'd rather be a bad feminist than a miserable one. And in the end of landed on the same conclusion you have -- the politics of this cannot be found in personal choices but in the collective choices we make about what decisions to support/encourage, and which to punish and discourage. [/quote]

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