Reply to Does SAHM make a difference during infant years?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have teens and I just want to offer some reassurance. These kind of threads get outright mean sometimes, I think due to larger societal misogyny, but regardless the reason, it isn't great.

I'm around a lot of teens. Also, my own teens had a SAHM, a full time WOHM, a part time WOHM, and even a student mom. I've seen it all and done different things myself. And what I see is that while this is a choice that is important for individual mothers, in practice SAHM vs WOHM is just far, far down the list of things that matter. It's not that it's irrelevant, because it impacts mothers in a variety of ways, but mostly it's unimportant to the outcome of the kids.

What matters to the outcome of kids?  The state of the parental relationship, the mental health of the parents/siblings, the financial stability of the family (this is not the same thing as wealth), alcohol & drug use by parents, anger management (or lack thereof) of parents, addressing special needs of kids/parents, parental rigidity and expectations, etc. This stuff has lifelong impact. But SAH v WOH is just not that important to outcome.

People also get thrown curveballs. Partners change, jobs are lost, kids go off track, etc. What is more important than a specific role is adaptability (IMO), both by kids and parents. Is someone rigidly clinging to a model that just isn't working? Is a SAHM refusing to work while her DH is destroying his health from stress? The selfishness of the SAHM is the problem, not the actual role of SAHM. Similarly, is a marriage getting destroyed because both spouses work long hours and won't compromise? The rigidity of both partners is the problem, not just WOH.

People on these threads often show a real lack of imagination, thrown in with a touch of nastiness: "I couldn't possibly imagine - a thing that other people are doing- because -fill in the blank self-justifying reason-." Whatever. Ignore these people, they don't have the mental flexibility and humility to raise teens well, that's for sure. Many kids are raised in wildly different ways, and they do well. There isn't a formula to childrearing, thankfully. The reality is that your kids will almost certainly be great kids, and you'll change course if they aren't.

You'll be okay, and so will they. Own your choices, and try to live your life such that you can make changes. It will all be okay![/quote]

+1000 Do what’s best for YOUR mental health, sanity and family. [/quote]

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