Reply to Surprised how the tone has changed from save it to divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’ve been on this forum more years than I care to count. The relationship discussion was a big draw for me when my kids were little and even beyond that. I really wanted to divorce DH. However, there was so much logic and push here to stick it out, etc and I’m glad I did. Now I see posts with similar problems and the majority of advice seems to lean towards divorce. What changed?[/quote]

More options career-wise for women. Women see more friends and kids thriving post divorce. I was the second divorce in my social circle. There was so much pessimism and misinformation about what would happen to me. 15 years later, 1/2 are divorced. No one had that knee-jerk doom and gloom prediction anymore. [/quote]

In earlier generations, there were several factors that kept women in bad marriages for longer. They typically did not have the skills or career to earn a good income to support a family and the stigma of being a divorcee. Fortunately both of those are not as prevalent as they once were.

My parents are divorced and it was really the best thing all around. I sometimes post in these thread to provide a point of view that [b]divorce is not always going to be devastating to the children[/b]. It is a false but commonly held belief that children are always traumatized by a divorce. My parents are now happily remarried to other people and my siblings and I are all in healthy long-term marriages. Why be completely miserable in life if your spouse is a jerk or you are just fundamentally not compatible.[/quote]

Just to offer a different perspective, my parents divorced and it had a huge affect on me, in ways I still don't fully understand.  I hated the separate families, the step mom/brothers/sisters, the split holidays, the hurt is caused our family, the financial stress it put on everyone.   Sure we looked fine on the surface, but i was (and still am) really torn up about it - that was over 20 years. My relationship with my father was never the same, especially after he remarried.  As other PPs have mentioned, every situation is different, it's really difficult to know how it will affect your kids.  PP, it's great that everything worked out well for you.  I've never shared my feelings with my parents, so it's very likely they felt everything worked out well for them too.  [/quote]

I am sorry that you have continued pain.  But happy marriages do not end in divorce.   What is your counter factual?  A fantasy of a different marriage for your parents?  Divorced but not remarried?[/quote]

"I'm sorry but...." does not come across as very sincere.

I also don't agree with you that "potentially' happy marriages don't end in divorce.  it is niave to think that a marriage is always in a state of blissful happiness.  I'd rephrase your sentence, and say that committed marriages don't end in divorce.

My counter factual (whatever that means) would be for them to have stayed married and made more of an effort to work through it with therapy and self improvement - that didn't happen from what I saw.  If in the end, they still couldn't reconcile their differences, then so be it, at least they tried.

Normal caveats apply for adultery, abuse, addiction, etc.  
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