Reply to I am livid - Unreliable father

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[quote=Anonymous]I’m a divorced mom and could have written OP’s post. Several times in the past year alone. He never, ever calls. And he is black, as is his daughter. I’ve paid at least $400K alone, maybe .5mil with medical and opportunity costs all in for our child, and that is just their medical. Doesn’t fully include the cost of lost wages/retirement because of a refusal to show emotional maturity or a misunderstanding of child support, alimony, what it means. I’ve worked my ass off to be in a position of empowerment despite being attacked by someone I trusted my life to build another with. Why does race matter? Because we are already stressed out and dealing with just as much weight as the next person with a myriad of untold issues that are systemic in society, systemic in our families, systemic in our communities. We have been working on changing things bottom up for a long time. Ever heard the term crabs in a barrel? Your post brings the saying to mind as you laugh about how common neglect is with black fathers and their children.

Tell me why we don’t deserve sympathy because of our race? Because it is a stereotypical trope that Is also a stark reality most people would never understand? It sounds like you’re promoting tolerance of just being a lacklustre and shitty father as the status quo for black women so any other race should deal with it. Well, if that is what you’re saying — your wrong. Black women have dealt with it for far too long. We have advocated and defended and even taken blows and abuse from our black men because it was a choice between being killed by the polic, jailed, and gone as a part er or makybe just sucking it up and normalizing the abuse and abandonment and disrespect. Black women have carried black men’s children even as their well intention failures cause more problem than resolve. If we date other races, we are “sell outs”, and there is never an expectation or call to true leadership in men (outside of the church, which is an entirely different system with function but certain inefficiency too).

Women like me have answered the call of duty to repair our broken families with our own wounds for far too long. Sometimes it is like giving a clown keys to the car. Unfortunately, like many people I made my choice in my first husband based on what I learned, not necessarily what was wise. I acknowledge that my responsibility remains whether I had the same start at gunshot as others in the race or not.

It’s an exhaustive cycle and it is the worst pain to see that weight of rejection on your little girl, knowing that she will already have a tough hill to climb, like many other types that start off on life with some cards stacked against them. I’ve cried for brothers that came out as gay, not because I cared about them being gay or felt it was any more of a sin or wrong than me having sec our marriage — I cried because I knew they just added another stack of cards to the deck against them.

What OP is talking about? These are very basic 101 parenting expectations that we simply did not all have or know. We leaned from the Huxtables, much like America saw blended families with the Brady Bunch. While we have made strides, and rhwre are amazing examples, rhwre are still** far too many black men like my ex, OPs ex, that are simply proud, incompetent, insecure, maybe well meaning but totally ignorant on how to move forward and not let history repeat itself with the failure of another black father.

I worry about the MRA groups because it’s just another redirection of broken negativity into another lie, that still sets black families backwards. This happened a lot on black churches, where black men thirsted for leadership and it branched into a community of support that was at times distorted with (unintentional) misunderstanding.

I said a lot. I have a lot to say. I’ve been quiet for far too long. And I speak in truth and goodwill, despite any pain so when I hear more silence to pain in the world - I don’t care if I’m the only voice.

Now, OP, make an inspiration playlist fir your daughter. Women’s empowerment, if you’re a believer reminder her of her Heavenly Father and what he ways about her.

Beyoncé Black is King video is really, really powerful symbolism of our AA heritage. Try to find it on YouTube and watch it with your daughter. She has a complicated road ahead and she will require your confidence, trust, respect, empowerment, and joy in ways that you may have never even received before🙉

From there? It’s all good. Monkeys are gonna dance, but you just keep walking how you’re talking! And only speak life into those things that you want to grow and increase. Ignore the rest and let it die on its own, negative energy does not deserve your power. If you can help your daughter understand that —

You may save her enough money dor a down payment on a home. At least $15K ;) [/quote]

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