Reply to Sexless-ness is an acceptable negative outcome from marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP Here. Thanks for the responses. As a single woman, I meet divorced men from sexless marriages. [/quote]

I meant to add that many are really emotionally damaged from being in sexless marriages. [/quote]

I used to think that way before I was married. Poor guys! It’s not fair they were denied sex, sex is awesome!

Then I got married and I understand it now. It’s not that these women are secretly horny and denying their husbands as punishment, or that they consciously flip the off switch.

Sex is just as much of a biological drive for women as it is for men - but works the opposite as it does in men since the consequences (pregnancy) are much greater. For most of human history, women who got pregnant from men who were poor partners couldn’t care for the child alone, and the child would die. Several months or years of a woman’s fertile years would then be wasted, while a man could impregnate dozens of women in that time, and odds are one child would survive.

So the female brain looks for reasons NOT to have sex. It pays to be very picky about who you sleep with. Even though we now have birth control and resources for single moms, our biology is still the same.
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Every single woman I know who lost interest in sex (including me) did so because their body recognized it wasn’t safe. Their husbands were poor fathers, emotionally unavailable (which makes the bonding aspect of sex painful), abusive, entitled, etc. Once they get out of that relationship and into a good one, sex drive comes roaring back.
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When I dated divorced men after my own divorce, every  time a man has mentioned his wife lost interest, I could immediately see why. Most left their kids to pursue their career or lifestyle (seriously....one guy abandoned his kids so he could live somewhere with snowboarding). Or they let most of the childcare fall on their wives and couldn’t even feed a toddler. Or they didn’t respect boundaries, or had a drinking problem, or couldn’t control their temper.

Unfortunately we’re socialized to believe that men are entitled to sex (every woman I know has put out on a date because she felt obliged, not because she wanted to). But we’re not taught that it’s a two way street, and that men need to meet women’s needs as well. If you talked to those men’s’ wives, you’d find that the men contributed very little to the health of their marriage.

FYI....I’d be very cautious dating a man who blames his ex wife for the end of their marriage, and especially any man who claims to be emotionally damaged. Healthy people recognize the role they played in ending their marriage and they address their emotional issues in therapy. It’s not your job to heal their wounds.

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I am not going to disagree with anything you've just said. In fact I will double down and say you are 100% correct on all points.
My sole criticism is that you stopped without saying [u]what it means once the sex stops[/u]: it means get out because the marriage itself is over!

Wives who do not want sex: file for divorce immediately. 
Men whose wives don't want sex ... yet there you are STILL MARRIED: your wife, knowing the marriage is over, has chosen not to divorce and wants to stay together as platonic room mates, which means you are free to date and pursue sex elsewhere.[/quote]

PP here. I don't agree that everyone should jump to divorce/affairs immediately, but I agree in principle. Ideally both partners would tackle their relationship issues head on with counseling, and the problems (both sexlessness and the underlying problems that cause them) would be resolved. In my own marriage, I spent 2-3 years in individual and marital counseling before filing. That felt right to me. Any sooner and I would have always wondered if things could have been fixed (not to mention the intense pressure I got from everyone that divorce was wrong, even after they witnessed how terrible my xH treated me).

In my experience, most men are very resistant to the idea that they need to change their behavior if they want sex. Which kind of boggles my mind - obviously most understand that if they want sex with a woman they just started dating, they need to have acceptable behavior. That seems to go out the window once they're married.

I would think that it's way easier to just alter your behavior in your marriage, rather than go through a divorce, lose money/assets, lose time with your kids, and likely face a reality that other women don't want to have sex with you, either. Either way, you'll have to start behaving in a way that's attractive to women, so why not just do it within your own marriage?

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