Reply to Daughter's Behavior Toward Parent/Family and Attitude vs Gratitude

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I’m sorry that you have raised your child nearly to adulthood only to be hurt by her behaviors. I can see why it’s a huge issue for you. The incidents you describe are unacceptable. When I read your post, I interpreted it as a father at wit’s end desperately trying to find ways to horrid tantrums stop. I agree with others that leaping right to cutting off tuition money is probably not appropriate. I do, however, think that you are on the right track in thinking about setting limits and consequences.

Put your daughter on an allowance. Now. Work with your ex wife on this, particularly if you’re still paying child support. Don’t give any more handouts. She gets a flat amount per month for clothes, gifts, etc. If she wants more, offer help finding a job. (And do be earnest about helping her write cover letters and check ads.)

When tantrums happen in real time, such as the incident with your daughter and her aunt, the adults need to walk away. If you are at a restaurant, get the check and go. Dinner’s over, and your daughter can understand that she ruined it. If you are at home, leave the room silently. Leave the house and take a walk if she comes ranting after you. Don’t let her have the satisfaction of her drama.

It’s fine not to go to fancy dinners or elaborate vacations with your daughter if they’re not fun any longer. Tell her you’re taking a break because it hasn’t been going well recently. Meanwhile the adults in the family should continue to enjoy themselves. Warn her in advance that next summer she should plan to have a job.

Make your daughter responsible for her interactions with other relatives. She can return their calls and thank them for gifts. If she fails to show gratitude, let them know that you understand if they no longer want to send gifts.

Start talking about limits for college. If you’ll help pay for four years but not a fifth year, say so. Will you cover a cell phone bill? Cable? Dining out? Do you expect you daughter to have a job while at college? How often will you pay for travel home, and is that conditional on distance and cost? Spell it all out and stick to your plan. Make sure your ex knows of your plan.

In the mean time, see if you can find ways to build a meaningful relationship with this girl. She seems hurt and angry. Is there just one thing you can do together that’s pleasant?[/quote]

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