Reply to Excessively dependent mother still completely helpless months after dad's death

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I am sending you endless support and encouragement here. My hear goes out to you and I relate. I have been through so much hell with my parents and sometimes positing here you get the trolls who have no empathy.

I would  report that social worker to her licensure board and at the very least ask to speak to her supervisor immediately as she is doing harm and has the potential to do harm to other. She is poorly trained to deal with the very complex issues that comes with sandwich generation issues and she clearly has no empathy or understanding of the situation. That SW needs supervision promptly and she needs to be taken off the case.

You had her evaluated and the doctor said no signs of dementia. is that correct? This was just recently, right? I assume many meds have been tried with her to no avail? At one point one of my parents was put on adderall with zoloft so she can manage and it helped for a while.

I might get a case manager involved at the agency you hire the aides. A good one can work well with all parties to mediate and move things forward.

Also, if she goes into assisted living, what do they do when she runs out money? I would find out exactly and see how you feel about that. She many not even live to see that happen. There is absolutely no reason to use your own money on her retirement.[/quote]
Thank you so much for your support.

Yes, I want to get rid of that social worker. From what I understand, hospice (including the "after") is intended to support all grieving family members, not make demands on the adult children to put their needs aside and devote themselves fully to the mother's demands, no matter how unrealistic.

Also yes, we had her evaluated and the neurologist said no sign of dementia based on test, although he did acknowledge to me that she is behaving as though she has it. We also had a brain scan, and the doctor said it was normal for a woman her age. The full neurology test was about three years ago, but she has had three or four "minis" since then. I am always amazed when they tell me how well my mother scores. Our last "mini" was last month, before we moved her to the new facility,

And yes, she has been on an anti-depressant for more than 30 years. I see it as a chicken-and-eff type thing. Is she depressed because she is so dependent (she married my father at 21) or is she so dependent because she is depressed?

And to answer your question: The assisted living place where she lived with my dad kicks people out once they run out of money. Then it would be Medicaid at a Medicaid facility or start dipping into my own old age funds. I will be very resentful at that point if my mother depleted her savings by moving to assisted living prematurely, and then putting my own future at risk. This will also cause a big rift with my sister, who feels we must support my mother til the end and keep her off Medicaid.
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Responding back. OK, so dementia ruled out for now. Has she been on the SAME antidepressant for 30 years. If so, may be time to experiment with different ones.

As others have said it is truly amazing how well you and your sister work together. My sister has been difficult to work with to say the least. I hear you about the two of you differing with assiste4d living and using your own funds and I am on your side-don't ever do it! So, it sounds like you need her to stay in independent as long as possible. I agree with your decision to get a different social worker. Keep trying to find staff members who can be helpful with the situation. if they are helpful, don't just thank them, but tell them you want to share with their supervisor how amazing they are and do it. When I did this I was told nobody ever reports the positive-just complaints and I made a few people cry tears of joy. it may make people want to do even more to help and it will help them take you seriously when you complain about the hospice social worker.

I have to say neutral parties (for us case managers) made all the difference (the good ones). They are trained to talk to the elderly in a way that is comforting but that also gets them complying. Plus, they are not family so our parents respond differently and may be more open to hearing things. Great idea to have occupational therapist work on skills of independent living. My parents are contenders for the most difficult elderly award and a good case manager was able to move things along.[/quote]

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