Reply to It takes a village and I have no village

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village.  You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help.  They are lovely, but they are not your village.  Look for women who don't have a village.  Candidly discuss trading childcare.  It works.
[/quote]

OP here. I  totally agree with this.  And actually I do seek out women to be friends with who don't have any local family here/are new to the area, because they have more time to get together. than those who do have family in the area.

I'm not looking for childcare help.  I'm looking for warm, caring friends who care about me.  Here's the kind of things I do for others: send care packages if they've had a major illness/been in the hospital, take my friends out for lunch on their birthday, bring by a Mother's Day gift on Mother's Day, bring home-baked cookies on Christmas, check in with them daily by email/text if they or their kids are sick, host baby showers, host holiday meals.

I feel like they don't do anything in return, and it bothers me.  I don't need babysitting help, I need a friend who cares enough to check in and see how I'm doing the day after surgery when they know my DH is on a business trip.

Here's another example: a few years ago I was in a car accident.  DH was on a business trip, so I had no one.  I posted a FB message from the ER asking if anyone could pick me up so I wouldn't have to take a cab home.  No one responded.  Do you know how terrible that made me feel?[/quote]

First off, I think this no village thing just totally sucks and I really am sorry.

But....and I don’t know how to say this.... the things you describe above are a little odd. None of my friends celebrate mother’s day with me. That wouldn’t make sense. Mother’s Day is for spending with their kids and their moms, not bringing presents to other mom friends.

Similarly, my friends and I don’t do much for each other on actual holidays. We might share cards or do an activity together in December, but also maybe not. Everyone is swamped that time of year. 
 [/quote]

OP here.  I get what you're saying that the things I do for my friends may sound odd.  But when you have no local family, only see Grandparents once a year, and have no relationship with extended family, then friends become like your family.  So on Mother's Day we often go out for brunch with another family whose kids my kids are friends with.  I host holiday get togethers often because we don't spend holidays with extended family, etc.  We entertain often and host families for game night and Sunday brunch. I spend a lot of time trying to build a strong village/social network for us.[/quote]

So then you should have texted some of these people asking for a ride home, vs. posting on FB of all places.[/quote]

Agree.  OP seems to have a weird, surfacey understanding of how intimacy develops.  It's not through sending care packages or hosting game nights!  It's through actually ASKING people (in person!) for  help, and showing up IN PERSON for them, and talking about what's actually going on in your life.  And you also have to work to find that person who's willing to open up to you in that way as well.  If I saw that an acquaintance who I had never really talked about life with was posting on FB asking for a ride home from the hospital ... I'd probably take a step back, because that's a bit odd?  But if you emailed or send a group email, I'd do what I could to help.  [/quote]

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