Reply to It takes a village and I have no village

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village.  You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help.  They are lovely, but they are not your village.  Look for women who don't have a village.  Candidly discuss trading childcare.  It works.
[/quote]

OP here. I  totally agree with this.  And actually I do seek out women to be friends with who don't have any local family here/are new to the area, because they have more time to get together. than those who do have family in the area.

I'm not looking for childcare help.  I'm looking for warm, caring friends who care about me.  Here's the kind of things I do for others: send care packages if they've had a major illness/been in the hospital, take my friends out for lunch on their birthday, bring by a Mother's Day gift on Mother's Day, bring home-baked cookies on Christmas, check in with them daily by email/text if they or their kids are sick, host baby showers, host holiday meals.

I feel like they don't do anything in return, and it bothers me.  I don't need babysitting help, I need a friend who cares enough to check in and see how I'm doing the day after surgery when they know my DH is on a business trip.

Here's another example: a few years ago I was in a car accident.  DH was on a business trip, so I had no one.  I posted a FB message from the ER asking if anyone could pick me up so I wouldn't have to take a cab home.  No one responded.  Do you know how terrible that made me feel?[/quote]

It sucks but I also need you need to take a more realistic view of people. People suck. They're not going to reciprocate unless there is some compelling reason for them to do so. They probably don't feel obliged for whatever reason. It's not you, it's them. There an article I read about how difficult it is to form the kind of connections you are talking about as people get older. There's a term for it- socioemotional selectivity theory. Basically as you get older, your time horizons shrink and you focus on more important things in your life. Like raising children and making money. All those things you mentioned sound more about people fulfilling a utilitarian need for you- drive from the hospital etc. So I'm not surprised you don't have people stepping in. They don't sound like they're in your inner circle but just want your holiday meals. [/quote]

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