Reply to 3 year old son constantly hurts little brother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I follow Janet Lansbury and I have a 3 yo and a baby. My 3 yo had a brief phase of trying to hurt the baby in various ways (biting was a favorite). I took away her favorite thing for increasing amounts of time. First offense, one day. Second offense, two days, etc. By four days without it and asking a million times every day and getting the same "unruffled" response she finally got it. She no longer hurts the baby.

If you're doing everything else (modeling, 1:1 attention, etc.) than I think you absolutely need to enforce some negative consequence. You need to protect the baby, that's the priority. I'd lose my mind if older DC nearly pushed younger DC down the stairs. That is not a time to worry about your reaction being a source of attention. [/quote]

Can you please share some more info? This is helpful. My son just turned 3, so he’s young.

And I have lost my mind. I get so upset. It’s really scary and upsetting to see the baby getting so hurt for no reason.

[b]But then, according to the books, but reactions are JUST want DS1 wants[/b].[/quote]

Stop. First of all, anyone can write a book. It's just someone's opinion. You need to take them with a big grain of salt and add a little bit of common sense. [/quote]

NO.  WHAT YOUR CHILD WANTS/NEEDS is limit setting.  He's doing it because he's wondering what the limjt is.  If I push, is that ok? If I shove, that's ok? What about if I push down the stairs?  Children of this age NEED limits.  Not beatings, not being sent to their room for a day or two, but limits.  It helps them feel safe, that someone is setting limits because they don't yet have the self control not to do the things they think of.  On some level, he knows there are limits - I mean, if he went at the baby with a knife, you'd grab it and say NO! because you wouldn't just ignore that, right? So he KNOWS there are limits and he's desperately trying to figure out what they are.

He starts to push (because you are right there, shadowing him), you say "No. No pushing.  Tell your brother "That's my truck."  And then you can say to brother, "Big Brother is playing with that truck, you can have this truck."  and so on.  Or...  little brother was using that truck, you may use a different ruck.  Little brother, tell big brother No, my truck."  (you need to empower both at the same time to use their words, not their fists, and to say what they want and need.  This is a skill that they will start developing now and will have perfected by 5 or 6 yrs old.  But by 4 years old a child really should not be pushing their way through the world most of the day.

If he's not doing it because he's frustrated that brother is taking something, breaking something, knocking over the block building he's doing, etc. then he's FOR SURE trying to see what the limits are, what is "OK" in the house.  And frankly, it's scary to be able to do ANYTHING his heart desires.  So he keeps pushing, trying  to figure out where the limit is.  And hitting and hurting is NOT OK.  You have taught him it's ok.

So it's stops now.  Tell him tonight when you are having a quiet moment with him "You have been hurting and pushing and shoving your brother.  That is not ok.  I will not let you hurt him.  [b]So from now on when you do that, you will have to sit away from us for 2 minutes (or 3 minutes).[/b]   Taking away screen time, or tv time later in the day, or reading with parents at bedtime is too far removed and doesn't work.  Being away from the group of people acting appropriately will work, because who wants to leave the people having fun?

I don't believe in shaming,[b] I don't believe in time out[/b], I don't believe in 'saying you are sorry' - but I do believe in keeping kids safe and having them learn that there are limits.  They may NOT throw blocks, etc.  So he needs to leave the group and the fun when he hurts, or tries to hurt.

I do know some of the Lansbury believes, and I like them with infants and toddlers.  But for this instance, he's DYING to know what's ok in his house and nobody is telling him.  How scary for a little child.  [/quote]

NP. Honest question- how  is having the child sit away from the group for a few minutes different than a time out? I haven’t read Janet Landsbury so maybe the distinction is clearer in her writing, but to me these sound like the exact same thing. [/quote]

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