Reply to My brother’s wife is having an affair....

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here is what I wish people said to me:

1) There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused this.  The problem is in the cheater.  Cheating isn't about what kind of sex life you have, whether you've gained what or are good in bed, or whatever.  It's about the cheater using and manipulating other human beings (both the spouse and AP) to fill an internal need they have.

2) Normal healthy people solve whatever relationship problems they have thru dialogue and compromise.  Your spouse has to be willing to go to individual therapy to explore what their need is, why they chose to solve it by lying to loved ones and what they can do now to be honest about their needs, negotiate transparently and make amends for their betrayal/abuse.

3) The victim spouse also has to go to individual counseling and see an attorney.  The purpose of individual counseling is to learn why people have affairs and what is reasonable to expect from the perpetrator spouse if the relationship is to continue (cut off all contact with AP< full disclosure of whatever victim spouse wants to know, ongoing transparency and ongoing amends).  The purpose of the attorney is, obviously, to figure out what a likely custody, child support and asset split would be and to gather necessary documents.

4)  If it were me, I'd advise seeking a post-nuptial.  Attorneys might argue how enforceable they are, but I do think they have the effect of clarifying for the perpetrator spouse exactly what is at stake if they continue with the current AP or seek new ones. [/quote]
Is that what you believe or just want to hear? I understand wanting to hear it, but can't seriously think that there is nothing that you did that caused it or that therapy is the solution for healthy relationships. [/quote]

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