Reply to I am sad today...need to vent. Tired of doing everything.

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Reply to "I am sad today...need to vent. Tired of doing everything."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]^^  Just wanted to add a more personal note, having seen some of the comments just before mine, that I hate when people make it about the job versus the lifestyle.

My dad had a similar job and high income, and it took me years to realize that he didn't NEED to be working insane hours (and missing family vacations, and dinner every night) in order to be making the money he made.  He was doing it to avoid us.  He was doing it because work became, at a certain point, easier than his family.  He was a workaholic.  He loved work more than he loved his kids, or my mom.

People really miss the point when they simply tell people in your position that DH should get a different job.  Maybe.  Maybe he should.  But that's not necessarily the main thing that is going on here.  (And as I'm not saying he's avoiding you, I'm saying it's more complicated than "the job" that holds him against his will and if only he had a new "job" he'd be happy).

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(I'm the PP here who had a dual biglaw marriage and I ended up becoming a SAHM.)  This comment above resonates with me.  My DH was working insane hours.  Then someone said, "You have to make your DH want to come home." I thought about that and realized, whenever he came home, I gave him the second shift.  I was friggen exhausted and lonely and he'd walk in and I'd hand him a baby, or over the weekend have him fix something in the house.  Why would he want to come home early, for MORE hours of the second shift, when he could stay at work, where he had a crew of attorneys working for him, doing whatever he asked?

So I stopped asking him do do things, and made it nice for him to come home.  I've told this story before and I get flamed for it every time, but I hope you read this OP because you know, in life, you don't do what's fair, you do what works.  And this worked.  Hugs at the door, dinner ready, and any house repair done because I had hired a handyman.  He started to come home earlier.  And he started to bring work home.  He started to be happier and more engaged, and I became happier and less lonely.  The flamers don't understand that by doing the thing that in the moment looks like more work, you create a situation that over time gives you less work.  "Making it nice for him to come home" is really creating a foundation for YOU to have a better life; the work is short term, the payoff is in the long term.[/quote]

Economic specialization works. [/quote]

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