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[quote=Anonymous]Op here. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your dialogue and thoughts and recommendations. I've spent the last few days perusing websites, watching videos, reading, etc. Thank you, thank you.

I did in fact reach out to previous family therapist on the theory that maybe she'd be the appropriate person to help me get DH on board and/or she might weigh in on the "who should I take DD to see first--a generalist who deals with the fuller panoply of teen anxiety/depression issues, which I'm guessing DD is struggling with--or straight to ED specialists." Took awhile to hear back from her office. She's on maternity leave and not available to give opinion. So the quest continues... I also frankly wanted to give it a few more days so I could check-in with DD in person, not via texts, and see how she's been doing with food/thoughts since school started. Also still working on trying to bring DH on board and have been working on all of that while absorbing info from FEAST, etc. which I never would have found without you all and researching how to interview specialists etc.

I fully comprehend that DD could be lying to me about any/all of her conduct/thoughts but last night we had a 2 hour convo. She says she ate 3 meals a day, told me in detail what it was and it was good/healthy/normalish. All a huge relief to hear. But I do tend to have a cross-examination style with her (which I've been trying to do LESS of recently) and so follow-up questions reveal that while she ate, it made her feel awful. That she cried in the bathroom after lunch b/c she hated herself for eating. That she misses the feeling of "lightness" and "happiness" that she gets from fasting and only eating at dinner. Asked her about throwing up and she admitted that she just recently tried to do it (on vacation with bio mom) but that it was really hard and gross and so she hasn't been successful at it yet and it's easier for her to just not eat than to do that. How long she had been skipping meals (all summer). That she feels she can't quit on her own. That she feels it getting much worse all of a sudden. Talked about the new exercise compulsions. So many frightening but important things for me to know about where she is right now. God I love this girl's courage to tell me stuff like this. I really do.

She told me she was only telling me the truth b/c I wouldn't stop asking questions and that she only ate this week b/c she knew I would be upset with her if she didn't and she's "afraid" I will stop loving her if she's caught lying to me about. Also terrified that, given how bad eating is making her feel in head (and even physically--says her stomach hurts when she eats) that she won't be able to keep it up. That she will go back to not eating and then I "will be mad at her" and stop loving her. Hurts so bad to hear her say she's afraid to lose my love. But I honestly think it's what's kept her sort of safe during the last few months/years while she's been struggling with this. Said she knew mom and dad would always love her know matter what ("I think they call it unconditional, or whatever" :) ) but she didn't feel the same about me. We talked about why that was. Because I'm not a bio parent. Because she can remember when I came into her life and she remembers "trying" to get me to love her. Because I wouldn't let her call me mom at first (I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to honor her bio mom!!!!! trying to recognize boundaries!!!! trying to not inappropriately interfere with bio parents' status/relationships!!!! ugh). Anyway. As sad as it was to hear it all, I'm so grateful to have even more details to share with a professional. To have more confidence that she definitely needs specialized help, NOW. She really wants the help and realizes she can't stop it/fix it on her own. She said she told her mom that she was having really bad thoughts about herself  and that she asked me to get her someone to talk to and that mom said ok. Said she hasn't told bio mom most of the ED specifics but that's because it's hard to talk about AND bio mom doesn't ask questions like I do.  In a huge turn of events, she also asked me to reach out to bio mom and try to get her to understand and on board with treatment idea. She has never wanted me to speak to bio mom. She has always actively kept us separated (ever since bio mom [i]allegedly [/i]told her at 8 that her mom was going to invite me over and poison me). It terrifies me that I have to do this. All communications to bio mom have gone through dad for years. And I'm guessing this will bring so much stress into my life. But yes, yes I will.

She wouldn't let dad be a part of the convo. Said she could tell he didn't believe her. But I told her I would be sharing it all with him and not keeping secrets and she said that was fine. Sadly, the 2 hour convo with HIM at midnight last night didn't go as well as my convo with her. He believes that she is "wildly exaggerating" her conduct/description of feelings bc she is getting a lot of "positive attention" from me with every "lie" or "exaggeration" she tells. Says she's having normal teenage angst/self-esteem issues and then blowing them out of proportion to be manipulative and to milk me for every last drop of attention. That this is the emotional equivalent of a 3 year's tantrums. That he's not giving in to it and I shouldn't either. Look. I get it. I never parented a 3 year old so I don't actually know anything about the right way to respond to tantrums/inappropriate attention-getting behaviors. This feels like the same situation to him. I honor that. I managed to stay calm and not immediately launch into accusing him of being a bad parent (b/c that's never going to help any of us).  And look... his emotional reaction to the manipulative qualities of this disease are somewhat rational. Her behavior DOES seem manipulative. "I won't eat unless you make me." I will eat but only 1/4 of whatever you eat." I was supposed to not be home last night to attend a friend's going away party. She told me she didn't want me to go. I told her it was important to me and this other person that I do go. But what ends up happening? She got "her way." She and I spent hours sitting on her bathroom floor talking about ED, etc. and I end up missing the party and staying home to be with her. (I also think it's unfair that she is basically blaming bio mom for "letting her get away" with not eating b/c mom doesn't happen to ask her the right follow-up questions, etc. and so doesn't know the extent of the problem.  )Yep. I feel ED is manipulating me. And DH. And bio mom. AND DD. But I don't believe for a second that DD is doing it on purpose or that it's controllable or that the right thing to do is to ignore it/let her cry it out of her own/not give her attention/whatever. But what do I know about any of what is "actually the truth" of this situation.  Anyway. I managed to keep convo with DH civil and to emphasize that I just see her hurting. And I see their relationship deteriorating. And that I just want to help my family. That I want to maximize our individual/collective happiness. That neither of us is a doctor and who the hell knows what is "actually" going on but that even if he is 100% right, that it sounds like DD needs some professional help to get past this kind of behavior/emotional difficulty. Because she gets a ton of positive attention (SILENT THOUGHT: [i]well...from me at least[/i]) and if she isn't feeling like it's enough and she's coming up with crazy lies about trying to make herself puke up lunch to get more attention than it sounds like she needs SOME kind of help. End result: fine, you can get her to a dr even though I don't believe for a second that she really has an ED. Not perfect result but it's gets us to a place where I feel I can make appointments, and drive her to appointments, and pay for appointments without actively going against wishes of DH/bio father and now, apparently, even bio mom. So.....

PROGRESS! In just a few days!

My posts have been long. I feel selfish. But thanks so much for listening. I definitely feel like I'm doing the right thing. And you all have given me the courage/info/support/hard questions to support me to do it.[/quote]

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