Reply to therapy or other guidance re: stopping anorexia in its tracks

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]        What do you mean she was always at the "high end"? Because the high end on the chart is basically overweight for almost all kids unless the kid is short and you said she was not. You now say she is at the low end of normal. What does that mean? 1%, 10%, 20%? Is it possible that since her mom was with her all the time that her mom did realize her child was at the high end of the weight range and possibly was told by the doctor her child was overweight?

I will have to agree that it's normal for eating patterns to change in the middle school years. I recall that I stopped eating lunch in those years and did try several diet plans because I was truly chubby. Lasted about 6 months each stint and I was very serious. I never did go back to eating lunch even in high school though. I think it was because lunch was so early in the day sometimes - 10am - and I just wasn't hungry at that time.

NP here- are you even reading this thread?! Your experience and this girls is not apples to apples. STFU

Yes I am reading the thread. I am reading from a stepmom who doesn't actually have children of her own, who sees the child on occasion and has never been willing to ask her DH to step up and parent.

It's OP. Not sure why I'm bothering to respond to some of your points, but I will in case it encourages you or others to provide additional helpful info.

1. Between the ages of 7 and 12, she had always measured very high for height (think 85-95 percentile for her age). She had also measured anywhere between "more than average to borderline high" for weight (between 70-85%). It seemed to me that she would be at her heaviest immediately before a big growth spurt in height. And I don't know if muscle actually wears more than fat, but I've heard that said and it would make sense to explain her historically "heavier" weight (by numbers but not by looks) since she has always been extremely athletic looking. Like I said--from visible body type, she's always been what I think anyone would think of as "normal/athletic." No one except her mother/grandmother has ever thought of her as chubby. Nor would anyone have thought she was scrawny. I personally don't believe that "diets" (i.e. major calorie restriction or skipping meals) are appropriate for still-growing bodies; you appear to disagree based on your own experience, which is fine. But she objectively didn't NEED a diet. She's now a few months away from her 13th birthday. She started her period about 6 months ago. At this week's dr visit, she's down in her height percentile (down to around 70%), which Dr said was normal given her age and having started her period and genes on her maternal side. But she's down to the 15% percentile in her weight. She doesn't look malnourished thin. But she is definitely now a "skinny" girl when she never was before. I'm not pretending to be a Dr. I don't know if this is normal shifting/developmental changes or not. Dr. didn't seem concerned based on numbers. And I would have been perfectly happy to accept that assessment if it weren't for all the odd/unhealthy behavioral eating changes and the self-hatred she has recently revealed. It's those behaviors and thoughts that make me worried. As a budding teenager, if she wants to give up eating Nutella so that she looks a particular way in her skinny jeans that makes her feel good about herself, I'd be perfectly fine with that. But that isn't at all what is apparently going on. And she isn't giving up lunch because she "just isn't hungry." She admitted that she's not eating because she despises herself and sees herself as worthless and fat when in fact she is not.

2. Mom isn't "with her all the time" nor do I see her "on occasion." You have some preconceived notions in your head that bio mom has custody or something that just isn't true. The two families live in the same town and we have split time/custody 50/50 since DD was 7. As many families of divorce understand, over the summers, schedules get strange and weird. Kids go to camps or activities (as they should). Trips to see other family members on two sides, etc. This summer, for the first time in years, bio mom actually took DD on a long vacation with her (which I was thrilled to see). So over this particular summer, I saw her much more sporadically than normal. But I still saw her. And at every one of those times, she would eat normally in front of me (but has now admitted to not eating normally at other times including the long chunk with mom). Now that school is back, we are back to normal 50/50. I don't see her on occasion. I see her [i]constantly[/i] (although not as often as I wish I could). :(

3. I doubt a Dr has [b]ever [/b]told Mom DD was fat. Because she has never been fat. But it certainly hasn't happened since DD was 7, since I'm the one who [b]always [/b]takes her to the Dr. '

4. "I am reading from a stepmom who doesn't actually have children of her own."  Thanks for that. That's really helpful. I'm a significant part of raising this child. Several times a year, she asks DH if he can "talk" her bio mom into giving us full custody. Awhile back, DD MADE me accept the fact that she wanted to call me "mom" (and which a family therapist advised me to allow).  It's clear that she thinks of me as a parent so I don't know why the fact that she didn't come out of my vagina has anything to do with my ability/capacity/or duty to help a child who looks to me for help when she is in need.

5. I've "never been willing to ask her DH to step up and parent"? I've done everything I can to do that--including 2 years of couples therapy for the first years of our marriage. It's clear that I will be refocusing on that now as part of this issue as well. I talk to him everyday about his daughter. Every day. Part of wanting to find a good referral is because I think having another professional say her thoughts/behavior aren't "just a phase" and are hurting her will definitely help me turn dad around. He isn't a terrible person. I'm guessing lots of parents of kids with ED didn't take immediate action and/or didn't immediately notice, let alone believe, that their child was suffering from such a serious illness. So yeah, I wish/hope DH will "step up and parent" more. I also wish bio mom would . And so do all of DD's friends' parents who have known the woman for years and have tried to intervene in various ways about her parenting. But I can't "make" them change. So what do I do? Just walk away from this man, whom I love? Trust me. I've thought about it more than once over the years. It SUCKS to be a stepmom who is raising someone else's child but who can't raise her the way they would raise their own kid. It has led to many conflicts with DH. But I can't possibly be the only step-parent who feels frustrated/sad/angry by that dynamic and whose marriage is strained by that weirdness. But even on the worst days in my marriage, which are fortunately not all that frequent, do you know what has actually made me stay? THIS GIRL WHO CALLS ME MOM. I shouldn't bother to be responding to this but I can't believe you think I haven't "been willing to ask." Show me the magic wand I can waive to change other people. And the only other alternative would be to just give up. I hope you aren't suggesting that because I have somehow been unable to make DH or Bio Mom more attentive/involved parents that the right thing for me to do is just walk away from this kid who obviously needs me. I won't be doing that.

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