Reply to Should DD be upset most of her friends went to beachhouse weekend of her open house?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A beach week is something that the attendees will probably remember the rest of their lives.  A few hours at an open house, not so much. If I were in your daughter's shoes I would have made lemonade out of lemons by cancelling the open house and going to the beach. It would be better than both missing out on the trip and being resentful that her friends didn't do the same. [/quote]

I'm OP and I agree. I think she should have gone with friends and then driven back for the grad party for a few hours, then back to the beach. I only learned of all the friends being at the beach during the party, "Oh, lot of my friends aren't coming, they decided to go to the beach." She has her own car and we would have let her drive back and forth.[/quote]

I was kind of torn until now. You made it an option for her to go with her friends, and come back to the party, and she's still being pissy? Then the fault is hers alone.

I felt that if your daughter wasn't invited, this was terrible.

And I felt that it would have been wrong to cancel the open house, assuming you have relatives and friends who were planning to come celebrate her.

But it sounds like YOU did everything possible for your kid to have it both ways, and now she's mad about her choices. [/quote]

By the time she told me it was far too late for that to be an option. Had she told me in advance, yes, I would have told her to take her car and drive there and back for grad party.[/quote]

This all seems like a good "teaching moment" to me.

Sometimes unexpected things happen that are not in line with our expectations.  That's life.  She'll experience it over and over again.

In this case, she scheduled a graduation party and expected her friends would come.  Then an unexpected invite to a beach house came up for all of them, your DD included.

Of course, she was upset at first.  Her graduation is a big deal to her, and she hoped/expected her friends would be there to celebrate.  It's disappointing.  Upsetting.  Frustrating.  etc.  If I were you, I'd totally validate those feelings!

And . . .

The real question is what should she do when something like this happens again.  Sounds like her approach this time didn't work out so well.

It sounds like she got so stuck in her feelings of disappointment and hurt that she completely missed out on (1) a possible solution that was right in front of her (do both the beach house and the party) and (2) a possible resource to help her figure it out (you -- had she told you in time that she was invited, too, you could have helped her do both).

Once she cools off, help her replay things -- her feelings when this all went down and her behavior in response to her feelings.

To me, it sounds like her feelings of disappointment were really powerful, and her response was to turn inward (sulk) and lash out at her friends (passive aggressive posts on instagram).  Help her notice that, and without judgment help her figure out what happened as a result.  Did her behavior make the situation better?  (No)  Did her behavior help her feel better?  (Sounds like another no.)

Then help her "replay" the situation and together brainstorm other ways she might have handled it instead -- ways that might have made things better or helped her feel better about an understandably disappointing situation.

To be blunt, $hit happens.  Of course, we're going to be upset.  The trick is to figure out what do when we feel that way.  Teenagers are pretty bad at that.  But be sure to let her know that adults are, too.  ;)

To me, this is pretty universal "human" stuff.  So there's nothing "wrong" with her -- it's challenging for all of us to navigate situations when we feel crappy about them.  So no judgment.  Live and learn.    :) 
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