Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?[/quote]

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information[/quote]

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong. [/quote]

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!![/quote]

Did you discuss with your exW that you wanted an open marriage and how she would look at it? And after that what, she still didn't want to work on sex life or do a lipo?

Did you put all your assets into a trust for your children to inherit. or the nice woman who likes your sex will get 50% and will birth you another "healthy" baby? 
You are disgusting: my exH also cheated as I was all tied up with our autistic son at home, taking care of multiple family businesses. Maybe you did try to go therapy with your exW, but my exH didn't. He just live a parallel second life.[/quote]

I transferred 100k each to each kids college account before I announced we are separating and my ex was mad about it. She wanted the money to go to her.

I have a girlfriend, nothing serious, and I imagine most of my money will go to my kids. Sorry your exDH didnt put his kids first. [/quote]

Why couldn’t you just continue sleeping with GF without imploding your kids life ? Seriously, you broke their lives over sex! And nobody would divorce if it wasn’t serious dont lie.

$100k is not sufficient for a good college it’s nothing .

Your GF is in for it for your money, silly you ! [/quote]

The pattern I see on here is women don't owe their DH sex and if he isn't content being sexless, he is the monster for leaving her.  [/quote]

If either husband or wife doesn’t feel their sexual needs are being met in marriage, they should have a conversation with their spouse and try marriage counseling. They should tell their spouse they need more sex and if that doesn’t happen, they will file for divorce. They should not find a new sexual partner while still married, and secretly have sex with that new partner while staying married. That’s called cake eating. You want your marriage and sex on the side.

Nobody has to stay married. Divorce happens. But get divorced before you find a new sexual partner. Also, your spouse might say, go ahead, have affairs, I am ok with that. That’s up to him or her. But consent by both partners is necessary.

[/quote]

They don't have this conversation for a single reason: sex actually happens! Sexless marriage is only a "legend" to justify them having multiple women. The wife would be "what the f..K?" if he starts talking. And it's also easier to prep for divorce: move money (like the PP dude did), re-register assets, take loans etc. Then she gets hit with a divorce totally unprepared and he walks away with minor financial damage. From her AND from his own kids.

[/quote]

I am the guy you are vilifying. We actually had a sexless marriage and I tried to rectify it. I feel like I stuck it out for years till I finally gave in. I am happy you can be sexless forever, I couldn't. [/quote]

You said you’d tell your own special needs child their birth and life caused your wife to lose energy and interest in sex and that you found a willing sex partner to satisfy your needs. You aren’t right. I hope your wife’s attorney rectifies the financial transactions you completed without your wife’s consent. Those are marital cash assets.

You aren’t putting your kids first by whining and making excuses that your special need child broke your wife down so she couldn’t be your sex bunny anymore. [/quote]

The question is - would this man have the same sex drive, if he was engaged equally with his wife in therapy? For example, filling out Kumon books, doing eye therapy "homework" with his child, taking to massages and swimming? I know what it takes to raise an autistic child, and many days sex is the last thing that comes up in the primary caregiver's mind. 
PP - did you do the childcare equally with your wife, or just "delegated" to your wife? [/quote]

Of course he didn’t. If he had contributed equally, he wouldn’t have had any time for an affair. The real irony is that if he had put those hours into his family, sex would have been fine.

Promise he’ll come on here and say he contributed by doing an hour or two a week, which in his mind is “half”[/quote]

She said no to an open marriage. [/quote]

You still didn’t answer the question. How much of your child’s care did you take on?[/quote]

You have painted me as a perfect villain in your head

I worked full time, she was SAH until recent. She gets 9k a month in child support plus over $1 Million in equalization payments. She's doing fine. I am glad she is, she's the mom of my kids.

I get that some people are willing to sacrifice sex forever. I did for a decade. Eventually, the resentment was killing my love for her. We co parent very well together.

I don't care about some girlfriend taking care of me in 40 years. I am 46. Who stays in a dead bedroom for 40 more years just so they have a nurses aid in death?

And of course I didn't tell my kids about the reason for our divorce or how SN kid was probably the catalyst for a dead marriage. And neither has my wife told my kids about my infidelity but if she wanted to make this a battle of who started it, there is a much longer story.

But then again, neither one of us want to make our children our therapists.

I sincerely mean this, I am sorry you and the other posters were cheated on and it has wounded you so deeply. [/quote]

[b]$1mm settlement paid in installments is not much by dmv standards (I got several times more but we had a very high net worth)[/b].Your exW is probably in mid 40s now, and she will struggle finding a good job in her age. So it's like being provided for about 7 years with a decent rental housing. Comparing to financial security she had in the family it must be a serious financial hit for her. I don't believe she was not negotiable to improve sex life.

Sorry, but after what I lived through I just don't "buy" dead bedroom stories from a man, unless it's the wife herself  [/quote]

:roll: Sure, Jan.[/quote]

Believe or not but $1mm that PP male poster threw his wife (in installments) is just enough to send her for retirement in Costa Rica. [/quote]

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