Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. [b]TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you.[/b] And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.[/quote]

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.[/quote]

I don't agree with the statement that a classic dead bedroom spouse assumes it's just fine. Marriage is based on a premise that you are exclusive. I did not ASSUME that it was fine to have sex less frequently, I THOUGHT my exH was getting older and thus had lower sex drive. I only had 2 other sexual partners prior to him in my 20s, and how the heck I would know what sexual drive of a 55 y.o. man is? I thought he was satisfied having sex 2-4 times/month, and not every day as when he was 35 and I was 24.

But I do agree that affairs happen when one spouse is selfish and ego driven. My exH is an extremely wealthy person (over $25mm net worth). Just like the male PP above, he always "delegated" childcare on me, and was telling he was getting tired from work travel. I did work full time at a lower paying job basically putting my career on back burner. But the full time job+chid care did not give me ANY free time even to THINK about cheating! It never really came across my mind as an option, where I always had a collection of favorite porn videos on my cell phone to do "self-care". Moreover, I would have never divorced just because I needed sex outside marriage or didn't have an O with my exH.

He was not a sex giant by any means: after turning 50, he became selfish in bed. Never gave an an O and preferred unusual locations for sex: on the bathroom sink, shower, dining table, pool etc. Usually, after he had a morning jog in the park on Saturdays. I in turn could not get an O in those theatrical settings: I do need for sex to be in a specific always the same position with me being on top of him, or pillows placed under my back. He just lost interest in this "conservative" sex.

But as we did have sex occasionally, I was too shy to ask him to do what I needed and he seemed not to care.[/quote]

He wanted improv and you needed a script. Understandable that it wouldn’t work out, though odd that it took so long to fail.[/quote]

It would have worked out if anyone ever bothered to discuss what they needed[/quote]

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