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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel like the parents who think it is unnecessary or messed up to listen to an adult child, validate feelings, etc. might not have great relationships in other realms of their lives? Unless you genuinely think that your relationship with adult children follows a different set of rules, it sounds like all this resistance to basic relationship principles--empathy, self-reflection, genuine care for how the other is feeling, non-defensiveness, etc--aren't something these posters see as valuable or are practiced with.

So maybe t's not a matter of how adults see their adult children, but rather how these commenters approach interpersonal relationships  generally. Which shouldn't be surprising; most of us are bad at interpersonal relationships. They are hard. [/quote]

The parent-child relationship is not like other relationships. The parent puts the child's needs first and the child is front and center in the parents' life. Other relationships don't demand that of us. That CANNOT last forever. But some kids never move on from being the center of the universe. They never see themselves as adults, just like their parents. They're stuck being needy children. Meanwhile the parents are exhausted from all the work of parenting the needy child.[/quote]

In many relationships, people get caught up with “well what about all I have done for you?” You see this all the time in marriages. It’s like if someone does a lot for the other, [b]they don’t get to point out how something hurt because that means they’re ungrateful. I see the same dynamic happening here.[/b] And if you want a good relationship , you can’t believe that your efforts to help the other person means their feelings don’t matter. So this isn’t about how relationships with adult children are different, it’s just lack of skill in relationships generally  [/quote]

DP. You don’t see that happening here because OP has admitted to specific things she regrets doing and she said she’s apologized. Whatever you’re projecting onto OP, just stop already and go deal with your own issues. Talk about inability to stop centering yourself….[/quote]

When I say “here,” I mean in this discussion. One big objection commenters have to a parent apologizing to an adult child for their parenting is that the parent sacrificed  a lot for their child. But you can do a lot for somebody and still make a mistake, even a big mistake, so how much you did for somebody isn’t actually relevant to that one specific issue the person wants to address.

Think about a mom who works part time who asks her husband with more help with the dishes, and is met with “you don’t understand how hard things are on me and you don’t appreciate the work I do to provide for the family.” That might be true but it’s not a helpful response. [/quote]

Think about the mom who puts on an enormous spread for her DC's birthday and invites all of his friends and relatives, and then he says, "But you know I don't like cherries, and there were cherries on the ice cream." Some people are like that. They only feel what's wrong. Some people are content, same situation.

People are saying if you work your ass off for someone, you deserve a pass for the things you did BY MISTAKE that weren't exactly right. Not talking about abandonment or beatings or anything like that -- we're talking about CHOICES a parent made in good faith, that they thought were right for their child.[/quote]

I see nothing that says OP worked her ass for her children.  And no, fighting in front of your children repeatedly is not a mistake. It's not a beating but it's pretty serious.  That was not a good faith choice.  ANd there is no way she could have thought that was right for her child.[/quote]

DP. Sacrificing one earner’s income to homeschool is “working her ass off” by definition. I’m divorced and while we never fought in front of the kids (we’re both more passive aggressive), they still knew. Perhaps the only good choice would have been to get divorced stat. But OP says she stayed in an apparently miserable marriage only for the kids’ sake—and maybe that was the wrong choice, but it was not an easy choice, nor did was it an ill-intentioned choice because the only reason she stayed instead of dumping the ex was because of her kids.

What exactly is your problem, with all these willful misinterpretations? It’s fascinating. [/quote]

OP never said she gave up her earner's income to homeschool.  She, unlike you, said she did not hide fights.  (Are you really saying there isn't a difference between high conflict and low conflict households?)  Look at you, making it about you again, and making up facts that are convenient to your story.[/quote]

Oh for Pete’s sake. Come back and talk after your kids have left toddlerhood and your own marriage has fallen apart. It’s almost impossible to know, as it’s happening, what to do about a bad marriage. Every single marriage and family is unique. Do you hold it together for the kids, even though your relationship is crap? Do you divorce immediately?

There are no good choices. No good choices. And to repeat, every marriage and family is unique. OP’s kid would have been hurt no matter what she did.

You and your naivety and willful misinterpretations are poisonous. [/quote]

I mean, I’m facing this right now, and absolutely working very hard to minimize impact.

And the fact that OP (or any parent) worked hard obviously does not mean that their adult child has no right to discuss the impact of their childhood. “Team OP” here seem to believe that adult children never have the right to discuss the past and must accept that their parents must be immediately forgiven because they worked hard. I hope you can see how that kind of belief is not going to lead to a good relationship with adult children. But what I suspect is that Team OP doesn’t actually really care about the quality of the adult relationship. They need to maintain the belief that “parenting was hard, I did my best, my kids were challenging, it’s not my fault.”[/quote]

I think you are hitting on the key difference.  The Team OP crowd don't understand or want a close relationship with their adult child.  Look at all these posts about crawling over the finish line after their hard work (or whatever hyperbole was said).  They seem to want to just be done.  tough to imagine a closer relationship in that situation.[/quote]

You just made all that up—nobody here said they don’t want a close relationship with their own child. Nobody indicated that subtly for you to “surmise” either.

What is wrong with you?[/quote]

That’s why I also used the word “understand.”  Your actions are not ones that lend themselves to a close relationship.  Some people aren’t emotionally mature. That’s just a fact. I’m sorry if that makes you feel bad. [/quote]

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