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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree a lot of this list is super condescending but there’s some real truth to it. In my marriage, and the marriage of most of my friends the saying “he does his best and I do the rest” is 100 percent the case. It’s not that the dads don’t do anything, it’s that they view virtually everything as optional or extra credit. If my husband gets busy at work or wants to travel, he does that. If one of our kids has extra needs, that’s a problem mom will solve regardless of whether she also works or what else she has going on. My husband is not a bad guy and will laugh about both our moms raving how wonderful he is for taking a child to a physical (scheduled by mom, Who is at work and needs to be there because she handled the sick days last week because dad “can’t” reschedule any meetings) but he is still totally guilty of kicking anything hard or inconvenient to me. He knows that I will always always always find a way to do the things I think are important for the kids so he can just say “I can’t” guilt free.

Also this one reminded me of DCUM:
If I do a task incorrectly, people will tell my partner to praise me for trying.
[/quote]

Totally agree. "He does his best and I do the rest" is absolutely how my marriage and those of pretty much all my friends work. "His best" can vary a bit, but I only know one marriage where I genuinely think the dad is the primary parent and is doing "the rest" and he's a SAHD and his wife is an executive and they have one kid.

I think this is the dirty secret of most dual income couples. It looks pretty equal from the outside -- both partners work, they say the right things, dad is visibly doing stuff like taking kids to activities, cooking, seems engaged. But if you open things up and really look at what is happening, dad is taking kids to activities that mom (who also works) researched, arranged, and provided dad with the schedule for. Dad is cooking but so is mom, and mom is also thinking a week ahead to when her MIL is in town and suggesting they make and freeze an extra casserole so they have a quick dinner for the night she arrives. Mom doesn't always seem engaged, because she's exhausted and has a laundry list of things in her head to keep track of (including laundry).

But the veneer of "things are pretty equal!" is there because it's easier on everyone's ego and it keeps the ship afloat. You could nag and nitpick dad to death but he's never, ever going to do as much as mom. Ever. If you don't want to ruin your marriage and get a divorce, which most of us don't, you just accept the inequity and move on. But it's unequal. Very, very unequal. [/quote]

“I’m oppressed because DH doesn’t think a week ahead to freeze a casserole for MIL” isn’t quite the own you think it is.  That is you concerned about appearances and looking on top of things lest MIL judge you.  [/quote]

If you don't want to make food for your MIL's visit, just..don't make food for your MIL's visit. What is she going to do, have you arrested?[/quote]

It’s a real d*ck move not to even attempt to host your own mother via (checks notes) providing a hot meal - and moreover to call your wife “crazy” for wanting to do so. y’all are being either truly dysfunctional or totally dishonest. [/quote]

So let your husband be a d*ck.  Why are you making that your problem?[/quote]

Look, you are so far out of the realm of normal, basic functioning family life that it’s almost pointless. [b]In normal families you do normal things, like put a hot meal on the table when Grandma comes to visit. [/b]Dad privilege is assuming Mom will take care of it. Personality disorder is trashing your wife for *wanting to make YOUR mom a hot meal*, and claiming that it’s totally made up work and she’s an idiot for having such high standards. [/quote]

I'm not the PP to whom you are responding, but you are the one who seems out of the realm of normal.

Feeding grandma is a basic standard, we can all agree on that. But if my husband wants grandma to eat her favorite dumplings for dinner, then he can make them (or order them, I don't care). If the wife is the one who wants to make grandma her favorite dumplings, then fine. But don't say you're doing it because that's what has to happen. That's what you want to do.[/quote]

In normal families where the Dad at least makes an attempt, they jointly acknowledge that hosting grandma is good for the entire family and work to do it together to some degree. You’re not disproving “dad privilege” at all to say “well, just let her sleep on dirty sheets and eat off paper towels.”[/quote]

Who said anything about disproving dad privilege? What about combating it? That's the point of these posts. [/quote]

dad privilege should be combatted by men. that’s the point. if you feel uncomfortable with that ask yourself why. [/quote]

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