Reply to Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss. [/quote]

Can anyone explain why a man created this support group for men, but it turned into 35 pages of responses written by women, attacking men? [/quote]

There is an apparently small but vocal group of women on DCUM who are committed to the view that sex is an entirely discretionary part of marriage, the lack of which men are not even entitled to feel negatively about. This seems to me to be a small group of women—most of the women here are more sensible—but they never sleep. This is hard on some of the men who post here, because I think there is some meaningful overlap between the sets of “men who are not getting sex from their wives” and “men who are posting to a largely-female message board seeking support.”

The ultimate truth is that either your marriage works for you or it doesn’t, and that’s a choice you and you alone must make. In the case of a man not getting enough sex, I believe that he has an obligation to ensure that he is in good physical condition and is generally holding up his end of the marriage. I think in most cases that really does resolve the issue. But there are cases where it does not correct the situation and the situation is in fact not fixable. In some cases, its a health problem; in some cases its an aging/hormonal issue; and in some cases its a situation where the woman never was into sex in general or sex with her DH in particular and kind of glossed over that reality. Each of these requires a different response, in my opinion, and candidly it can be hard to get an honest account of what is truly going on from one’s DW.  Counseling is likely a good place to start in most cases; for the man in this kind of counseling it will be incumbent upon him to keep the sex issue front-and-center, as there will be a tendency to sweep it under the rug or work on other aspects of the marriage in order to supposedly improve that issue indirectly.

I think a lot of guys in the low- or no-sex scenario tend towards being passive aggressive or whiny about it, which only makes things worse. But it’s ok to directly and forthrightly state your position: “This isn’t working for me and we need to fix it” is a totally legitimate form of self-advocacy.[/quote]

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